His Notebook - Destiel Highschool AU
by Useless-Fanfictions
Summary: When Dean Winchester lands in detention again, he finds the journal of Castiel Novak. Dean-having no idea who that is-intrudes on their privacy and reads it despite the warnings on the front cover. Castiel has written down every feeling he's had since the night his older brother, Gabriel, was killed. Including his depression, his anger, and his crush on Dean. Depressed!Castiel.
1. Chapter 1

**A new story, yay!**

 _ **Warnings**_ **: Language, smut(sort of), terrible parenting, neglect, major character death, and suicide.**

 ** _Disclaimer_ : Nothing on or around the show Supernatural is or will ever be mine. **

* * *

**Dean /**

Dean thought the plan had been foolproof, but he was wrong. That was how he wound up being dragged down the hall by one of the crankiest teachers, by his shirt collar. It wasn't something he enjoyed, but getting caught was one of the risks he took.

The hallways were filled with an ugly, puke-yellow colored lockers with rusty locks. Some of the lockers had backpack straps falling out of the bottom from students being rushed and half-heartedly shoving their possessions into the metal box.

Dean's feet scuffed the floor as he walked - much to his teacher's annoyance - slower than normal. The toes of his shoes swept through the few pieces of dirt that was on the floor. Dean's eyes concentrated on the ground, careful not to fall over.

"I don't think you have to man-handle me…" Dean puffed out.

"Boy, you haven't seen 'man-handled,' yet." His name was Mr. West, and he was only this grumpy because his wife left him a few years ago, or at least that's the rumor Dean had spread last year.

"Ohh, kinky." Dean smirked as Mr. Mest huffed out a breath and tightened his grip on his shirt collar.

Dean gave up on all attempts at conversation by that point. This was his third trip down to the detention room this month. It has gotten so bad, they quit letting him walked down here by himself, and opted to walk him down themselves.

 _I must be special._ He thought to himself as they turned the last corner before the detention room came into sight.

Dean looked up and to his right as they walked by some classrooms and smirked at the students inside them, some rolling their eyes and other girls smiling sweetly at him. He nodded and smirked their way and laughed under his breath as a few looked away and blushed.

He wasn't royalty here, honestly, he was hated by quite a few people. But the girls thought he was cute and the teachers especially loathed him. He grew up here, in Lawrence, Kansas, with his father and brother. His mother died a little while ago, but Dean tried to not think about it. IT's gotten easier over the years.

"Let's go, Winchester!" barked Mr. Mest, catching the attention of a few kids walking out of the nearest classroom, his little brother, Sammy, one of them.

Sam watched as they passed and gave his older brother a look of utter disappointment, his look saying _really, again?_ Dean shrugged and laughed, he had to show him that he didn't care, even when it breaks his heart when Sam gives him that look.

"I won't be taking you home today! Ride the bus!" Dean called to Sam from over his shoulder. From somewhere behind him, he heard a slightly faded, "C'mon!"

His brother was a freshman this year and Dean was a senior. Technically, Dean was suppose to be graduated already, but because his math teacher failed him because he missed too many days of school, he's forced to retake the class, and others because his 'final grade could be better,' Dean counted down the days until he was out of this hell.

Once he entered the room and was assaulted by the blast of hot air. He forgot how hot this room was, it annoyed him. He was thrown into a chair and glared at Mr. Mest as he peeled off his jacket.

"What did he do now?" The secretary of the school called out, the detention room was her office, she was also in charge of watching the misbehaving students, lucky her.

"What hasn't he done?" Mr. West joked. Dean smirked proudly.

"You know what, I don't want to know," she turned back to the papers on her desk. "How long is he staying?"

"Three hours after school-" Mr. West's eyes didn't leave Dean's.

Dean nodded slowly and accepted this punishment, he didn't have anything after school today.

"-for the next two weeks." The secretary let out a low whistle, Dean nearly kicked the chair across the room when he stood up, a protest already on his lips.

"You better be putting that butt back in that chair!" he barked.

"But-"

"Wanna make it four weeks?" Mr. West wasn't budging.

Dean licked his lips and turned back to the desk, the row no longer straight because of his surprising strength. Dean tasted bile in the back of his throat when he thought about the situation. He admitted defeat as he sunk further into the chair he groaned loudly. .

He couldn't miss next week, it was Sam's birthday and he promised him they'd take the day off and hang out. Dean had been planning a day-long road trip with his baby brother. But now that was out of the question. He didn't know how to tell Sammy… The punishment for missing detention was being suspended, and just maybe it was worth it. If only dad would let him...

Dean sighed and watched as Mr. Mest walked out of the room, before sending Dean one last glare. Dean shrugged and turned to tracing patterns on the desk with his finger. Sitting in here always bored him beyond belief.

Dean started bouncing his left leg and felt something under his foot, he looked down and discovered a notebook. There was nothing special about it, just a normal, worn, spiral-bound notebook, the cover was a dark blue.

"Do you have something to do, or do you need to write the rules, again." Writing the school rules was something you had to do if you ended up in detention with nothing to do.

Dean didn't look up at her when he answered, "No, ma'am." He leaned down and picked up the notebook, lifting it up to inspect it carefully.

On the inside of the front cover read a name, _Castiel Novak_. Dean didn't know who that was, so the warning below the name, telling the reader to return it to whomever it belonged to as soon as they found it, meant nothing to Dean. The first page had neatly printed handwriting and Dean read it easily,

 _I don't know why I am writing this, it won't help. But, you know, whatever._

It dated back a few years ago. Dean wondered what this person was talking about.

 _Right now, I'm sitting on my bed not really caring what I do. It doesn't really matter anymore. I guess I'll start with an introduction, my name is Castiel Jimmy Novak, and my parents think it will help if I write down what I'm feeling instead of trying to hide it. Whatever. Not like they care, anyways._

Dean's eyes snapped around the room, as if he were doing something he shouldn't be and didn't want to be caught. He knew whoever wrote this, it was personal to them, but Dean kept reading, he had a while to burn.

 _It's been hard. Nobody gets it, they try to, but nobody can understand what it feels like to go through what I've gone through._

Dean swallows nervously, the pit of his stomach just grew heavier. This was private, he shouldn't be reading this. But something in his stupid head told him to continue reading, told him to keep turning the pages and learning more about the Junior named Castiel Novak.

He flipped through a few more pages, each one with multiple entries. Some pages had lines to complete paragraphs scribbled out madly. Dean took the time to read what was blocked, with no luck. One page caught his attention, it only had one word, _Gabriel._

The next entry was weeks later, and was again only one word, _Lost._

Even though it was two words, Dean read the pain in them. It was something he's been able to do since he was little - read people. From what he's read, all he's felt is pain and suffering. The month of so that these last two entries were written, something major happened.

As Dean kept reading, the more certain he is about his prediction. The way he wrote, what he said, what was scribbled out. Before, he had mentioned a younger brother, but no name was written. Dean could tell that this Castiel loved him like he was all he had. Maybe that had been true.

"Dean Winchester," his head snapped up to the sound of the secretary's voice. "You're time is up," she gestured with the flick of her wrist that he should leave.

He stood up and grabbed the notebook and carried it out with him. His finger held his place as he walked through the now empty hallways, his feet carried him slowly to his car. Once inside, he didn't immediately plug the key in and start her up. He opened the notebook again and read some more.

 _Nothing's gonna bring him back. Gabriel's gone, my brother is dead and gone. And it's all Lucifer's fault. Because he was too stupid and selfish and irresponsible. I understand that now, hopefully I can pick myself up again. We'll see._

Dean's heart fell. The brother that he loved so much had died. So many scenarios raced through his head, what could have happened to Castiel's brother Gabriel? And who and why was it Lucifer's fault? Dean skimmed through a few pages trying to find out what had happen.

Words flittered through his head, " _first day of school"_ and " _everyone seems nice"_ and _there is this senior I seen, he's pretty hot."_

This stopped Dean. He had to double back and reread that entry. _I don't know his name, but he's really cute. But nothing will happen, I'm pretty sure he's straight. But whatever, just a stupid crush, it'll pass._

Dean continued reading, 'the crush,' was never mentioned. Until Dean flipped to an almost completely blank page. The only thing was written made Dean's curiosity twist.

 _It hasn't passed._

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 **How was that? I hope it was good enough for you to continued reading the story! :-)**


	2. Chapter 2

**I always feel as if there should be something written above this line...**

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Dean's eyes reread the line two more times. Why did those last two entries strike him as weird. He didn't even know who Castiel was, why did he care? He shrugged and went to turn the page, but his phone cut him off. He picked it up and answered it.

"Hey, Samm-"

"Dean. Dad just called the home phone and said he would been gone for another week, possibly two."

Dean smiled, "The whole house to ourselves, Sammy!" Sam laughed out the other end.

"When are you gonna be home, Dean? I'm hungry."

"I'm heading home now, and I'll grab food on the way." They said their goodbyes and Dean waited until Sam hung up before he shut his phone and set it back down on the leather seat besides him.

When Dean did get home, Sam was watching TV on the crappy screen they could afford in the living room of their three-bedroom house. Dean whistled low and loud when he set the food on the small, slightly wobbly table. The whistle startled the young teenager on the couch and he jumped up and ran for the food.

After reading Castiel's notebook, Dean realized something. At any moment one of them could be take away. The way Sam jumped up and didn't greet his older brother - even though he'd just seen him a few hours ago - bothered Dean. It was like Sam always expected him to be there. And just like that, another weight was just draped over Dean's shoulder like a heavy blanket.

One day he wouldn't be there, one time he wouldn't be there for his Sammy, and it would kill the kid. No matter how old Sam gets, he will always be Dean's responsibility, and Dean's baby brother.

Dean swallowed thickly and pushed the thought aside, he would think more about it later, when he didn't have to be strong in front of Sammy.

"Dean! Dean!" Sam's voice pulled his older brother from his thoughts.

"Huh. What?" Dean sat down next to Sam and started to eat as well.

"I was just asking how detention went," Sam's voice was garbled by the food in his mouth.

"Oh, ahh…" Dean reached behind him and grabbed the notebook he'd set on the counter when he walked in. "Do you happen to know who Castiel Novak is?"

"Yes, why do you ask?" Dean hadn't revealed the notebook to him yet.

"Well because-" he set the notebook on the table between them "-I found this, and I was wonder-"

"You didn't read it did you?!" Sam stood up and looked at Dean with wide eyes.

"Well, yeah…"

"Dean!" Sam shouted. "Even I know not to read it!"

"Why not? I don't even know the guy!" Dean tried to argue but Sam barely let him finish his sentence.

" _Because._ Castiel writes personal stuff in there. I've talked to him about it before. He's in my math class, and one of the jerks tried to take it but Cas fought him and looked so shaken up afterwards. I went to ask him about it and he just said that he'd die if anyone read it."

"Oh, I didn't know. I mean, he did write some real personal stuff…" Sam just shook his head.

The younger Winchester happened to look at the table then, and seen the notebook there. He went to jump for the notebook, but Dean was already there, snatching it up before he could get to it. Dean wasn't prepared to give it up yet, he wasn't finished reading it yet. He's touched a third of it, maybe. And he knew Sam would give it back to Castiel if he got it.

Dean knew that he probably should let his brother do so, but he had to continue. He wanted to know what exactly had happened to Castiel Novak.

"Dean!" Sam's voice rose up an octave and he sounded like he was whining. "You have to give that back to him, you can't just continue reading it!"

"Sam, I swear I will give it to him tomorrow, I just wanna read a bit more-"

"No! It's not fair to him!"

"Why do you care, Sammy? You don't know him!" Dean swiveled away from his younger brother as Sam lunged towards him, arms outstretched for the notebook in Dean's hands.

"Give it to me!" Sam bellowed. Dean ran for his bedroom, Sam following him.

"No! Sam!"

Dean tried to run around his bed and try to escape his brother, but Sam was right behind him, reaching around the oldest sibling for the thing in his hands. Both of them grunted as they fell onto the bed and continued to struggle. Without meaning to, both Winchesters roll off the bed and onto each other.

Sam gave up and rolled off of his brother. Dean clutched the notebook to his chest and stood up, a proud smile on his face, victory was his. He didn't mean to go against his brother like this, but he really wanted to find out if it ever got easier for Castiel.

He laughed at his brother's face, and tried to reason with him once more, "I'm serious, I don't even know the guy. I'm only curious, the stuff he writes in here…" Dean trails off and sets the notebook on his bed.

"Whatever Dean, but you have to give it too him and tell him that you read it." Sam left Dean's bedroom, slamming the door on his way out.

Dean knew Sam would forgive him eventually. Besides, nothing will happen because he read some guy's diary. It's not like he mattered, just because Sam's talk to him a few times, doesn't mean Sam had to defend him every time the situation arise.

After Sam went to bed, Dean laid on his bed and opened to the page he had been previously reading. It was a few days after his first day at the school. Castiel wrote;

 _Classes are okay, the students leave me alone. But there's this one guy… I only noticed him because of his car. All black and shiny, and super hot. Just like the driver. I really thought this would blow over, but the warmness in my stomach won't go away when I see him. He'll just walk passed me in the hallway and my eyes will follow him until he disappears. But I'll also see him with girls, sometimes more than one on his hip and practically drooling all over him. It just makes this even worse, knowing that he doesn't swing my way._

Dean read until the world outside his window became too dark and the street lights started to flicker on. He read until Sam's snores were the only other thing to be heard in the house. Finally, Dean set the notebook aside and rolled over, still not finishing what was written on the pages. Through it all this mystery crush hadn't been revealed.

But other things had been. Castiel's younger brother, Gabriel, had died more than two years ago by his older brother, Lucifer. Castiel described it as an accident, but his parents still kicked the eldest brother out. This only left Castiel to fend on his own.

Dean felt a pang in his chest. Had one kid really gone through all of this? Dean thought he had it pretty bad…

 **~[[SPN]]~**

The next day Dean woke up and got Sam and him around and to school like usual. He went through the motions, his mind wasn't fully present.

His mind was busy thinking about this strange boy, and his miserable life. He tried to read it, but his heavy eyes wouldn't stay opened and now his heavy body and still fuzzy head was regretting staying up so late.

In the car, on the drive to school, Dean made his decision. He looked over at his little brother, and asked him a question.

"So you hang out with Castiel regularly?"

Sam ignored him.

"You need to show me who he is, Sam." Again the younger of the two chose to ignore his brother. Sam was still angry about the whole situation.

Dean sighed, "So that I can give it back."

"I'll show you, but _you_ have to give it to him."

Dean nodded even though Sam was looking away so he didn't see. Dean had read enough to know that he shouldn't have. What Castiel had written was personal and private and should have stayed that way. Dean couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt.

When they arrived at school Sam pointed out who Castiel Novak was. Dean saw him leaned up against the wall, Dean was across the parking lot still, when two guys - Dean immediately recognized them as Crowley and Azazel - ran up to Castiel and said something to him.

Dean wasn't close enough to hear what they were saying, but he did see when Crowley brought his fist back and punched Castiel in the face. He heard Castiel cry out and watched as nobody did anything to help him. A few of them stopped to watch, Dean even thought he heard someone laugh.

Crowley got two more hits - another to his face and on in his abdomen - before Dean got there. Dean walked up and stood between Crowley and Castiel. Dean towered over Crowley, enough to make the bully hesitate. Dean was proud of his height there.

Dean has always hated bullying. He hated it when he was bullied, he hated it when Sam was bullied. And when he got big enough to chase them away, he started sticking up for any one of the bullies' targets.

"What are you going to do, Winchester?" Crowley challenged.

"I'm going to ask you to leave. And if you don't listen then I'll have to _make_ you." Dean puffed his chest up and glared at Crowley with hatred.

There was no less scum of their school then this kid. He usually didn't judge, but this kid only picked on others because he was never taught how to be nice. Something about his mom gave up on him or something. It didn't matter right now.

"Okay, fine. Make me."

Dean raised his fist, just one good one was all he needed to make him think about hurting someone else around Dean. Dean tensed, ready to sock him a good one, when a hand wrapped around his wrist. Dean couldn't look behind him, didn't want to let his guard down.

At that moment a teacher walked by, causing Crowley and his idiot friends to scatter away. After the threat was gone, Dean turned around to see the small cowering boy pressed against the brick wall.

Castiel Novak, the owner of the notebook. The kid who's been through a lot.

* * *

 **And this line as well. (Sorry, am I ruining the "cliff hanger?")**


	3. Chapter 3

**How do you all feel about Protective!Dean? He's kinda in this fic quite a bit... lol**

* * *

 **Dean /**

"Don't," was the only thing the boy said.

"Why not? He doesn't have the right to hurt you or anybody else. He gave you a bloody nose!" What Dean said was true, a small trickle of blood began to drip from Castiel's nose.

"It's still not worth it." He seemed pretty dead set on proving to Dean that he shouldn't worry about him. Dean wasn't easily convinced though.

"Okay, Castiel, right?"

"Y-yeah," his voice was small.

"I, uh, found this… and wanted to give it back." Dean reached around and pulled the notebook from his backpack.

It was as if he had hit Castiel, his entire posture changed. If he was scared before, he was terrified now. Dean watched as all of the color left his face and he jumped from the wall and snatched the notebook from his grasp. Dean was so surprised he jumped back.

"How did you get that?!" Castiel nearly shouted, hugging the notebook close.

"Woah, it's okay… I found it in the detention room…"

"Fuck, I must have left it there," he mumbled to himself.

Dean was surprised, his eyebrows raised. He didn't expect him to swear like that, he didn't think somebody like him was capable of it. Guess he was wrong. This kid got a lot more mysterious the more Dean was around him.

"Look, I'm sorry," Dean started. "I didn't know it was yours and-"

"You didn't read it did you?" He looked like he might cry now. Dean was really regretting picking the damned thing up.

"Y-yes," now Dean was the one stuttering.

Castiel didn't say anything, he just turned around and started to walk away. Dean was shocked for a moment before jogging to catch up to him. "Hey, man. I'm sorry, I didn't even know who you were before my brother told me." He could seem to get his attention again.

"I'm sorry about what happen to you," Dean stopped when Castiel did. "I'm sorry you had to go through that-" he flinched at the look Castiel gave him, "-but it's going to be okay."

"Don't talk about it-"

"I just wanted to say-"

"Please, just don't." When he turned around there were tears falling down his cheeks. Dean wanted to wipe them away and make him smile. He desperately wanted to see Castiel smile. He didn't know where this feeling came from, but it was strong. His hand twitched, but he held it in place.

"Okay, I won't talk about it anymore."

"Now that you know, could you leave me alone."

"Yeah, sure. I really am sorry-"

"You wouldn't have fucking read it, if you were sorry." Dean could tell he was angry now, he had every right to be.

Dean didn't have anything to say, he just nodded and began to walk away. But he stopped dead in his tracks at the sound of Castiel's voice, "Did you read it all?"

"No."

"Okay, here."

Dean turned around so suddenly it startled Castiel, who had his hand outstretched with the notebook in his hand. "Here?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, if anyone were to read it, I wanted it to be you."

"Me? Why me?"

It was Castiel's turn to smirk - the tears already wiped away. "Read, and you'll see." Dean took the notebook.

"Okay," Dean smiled.

"Okay," Castiel confirmed.

Dean started again to walk away, half expecting Castiel to change his mind and take the notebook back, but he didn't. He waited until Castiel was a couple of steps away before shouting over his shoulder, "By the way, you have great handwriting!"

Dean enjoyed the sound of Castiel's laughter.

 **Castiel /**

Castiel's still not sure why he gave Dean the stupid notebook back. He guesses from the way he'd been acting, Dean hadn't read the part about Castiel having the biggest crush on him.

It was more than a crush, it was more than a "oh hey, that guy's hot," Castiel really, really like Dean Winchester. And it was depressing, knowing that he was straight and he didn't have any sort of chance with him.

It's not like he could stop himself from liking the guy.

Castiel hears the first bell ring when he closes the door of his father's truck. He smirked to himself, first hour has only just begun and he's already ditching because he's too mentally tired. And his face hurts, he thinks as he wiped more blood from his top lip.

Every time he goes home his parents get upset with him, tell him he shouldn't be missing school for stupid reasons. Castiel usually would ignore these comments, his parents were usually too drugged up to remember the next day anyway. Today was no different.

When he got inside the house - a banged up trailer - his mother came stumbling from her bedroom. She tripped over her own feet and caught herself on the counter. "Don't you-" burp "-have school or some shit?"

Very ladylike, mother.

"I do, don't you have work today?" Cas said, sidestepping his mother and caught a whiff of what she smelled like.

"Yeah, I gotta be there in twenty minutes."

"You can't go like that. Mom, you smell like a bar." Castiel said even though he was uncertain whether she actually heard him or not.

"You're right, call my boss and say I'm going to be late. I'm taking a shower." She threw her phone on the counter and turned towards the bathroom.

Castiel heard a faint, "Oh no," and then the sound of his mother getting sick. He really hated sharing one bathroom between the three of them. It was just another thing he had to keep clean. He picked up her cellphone and went through her contacts and clicked the number labeled _Assbutt_ , and hit call. He's done this many times before.

"Hello?"

"Hello, this is Mrs. Novak's husband. I'm just calling to inform you that she will be a little late today. We slept in this morning," he let a fake laugh out and said goodbye and hung up. It was that simple.

He heard the shower turn on and he went to investigate his parents' bedroom. He walked in and saw how destroyed it was. His father was not home, Castiel didn't know where he was. He had just cleaned it a couple of days ago, but his parents didn't care. He sighed and started with the bed.

He grabbed the sheets and folded them neatly after straightening the pillows. The bed smelled something awful, but he knew it didn't matter. He plugged his nose and started picking up the clothes that were thrown across the floor.

He was almost done when he noticed the wallet sitting on the table next to the bed. Usually when his father was gone, he had his wallet on him. Curiously, Castiel creep over there and picked up the piece of worn leather.

This was not his father's wallet. He opened it up and the license read _Carver Edlund._

 _Who the hell was that?_ Castiel searched through the rest of the wallet before he realized why it was here. His mother was cheating on his father.

His parents have left the house for entire weekends, where they were Castiel did not know, and he just assumed they were with other people from time to time. But never has either of them brought someone else home. It was always the two of them in that bedroom together.

Even though part of Castiel knew his parents were cheating on each other - part of him wondered if they themselves knew of it - but this was the first full piece of evidence he's seen.

"Fine," Castiel murmured to himself and pulled out three twenty's from the guy's wallet and stuffed it in his own pocket. It's what he gets for leaving it here.

"I'm leaving mom!" Castiel called out as he passed the bathroom door.

He didn't wait for an answer, he just left. Got into the truck and pulled out. He didn't really know where he was going, but ended up downtown. There was a quick market that he walked into and picked up a bag of candy and a bottle of soda.

He drove off to the lake that sat on the outside of town. He just sat in the driver's side of the truck and listened to the silence. This would normally be the time where he'd pull out his worn notebook and write down what he's feeling. He still does it, not because his therapist thought it's be good, but because it's like talking to someone. He feels like a lot of weight has been taken off of his shoulders after he's done writing a bunch.

Castiel goes to reach for the notebook now, and remembers where it is. And a rush of fear goes through him.

Maybe he shouldn't have given the notebook back to Dean Winchester, of all people. Castiel suddenly can't remember how many times he mentioned Dean in there - an uncomfortable amount, that's for sure.

He just hopes he doesn't get freaked out about it.

* * *

 **What a bitch? Anyway, Castiel's crush on Dean is more than just a "crush." I'm not sure if its explained that well in the story, but he's more of the one thing a depressed person hangs onto to keep them going. So already, Dean means so much to Castiel.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Dean finds out more about Castiel. (I'm not really sure why I tell you about the chapter before you get the chance to read it. It must be my overwhelming urge to write something above the line.)**

* * *

 **Dean /**

This guy is mentioned a lot, Dean thinks as he turns another page. He was suppose to be reading out of his history textbook and taking notes. Instead he has his textbook in his lap, opened to the appropriate page, with Castiel's notebook on top of it.

 _I think the only good thing right now is him. Because my parents suck, my brother's dead and the other gone. I have literally nothing to look forward to except seeing his tousled hair and green eyes everyday._

Dean's heart clenches at the image of Castiel hunched over writing this. He feels really sad, but the notebook has turned brighter. More talks about his crush and less about his pain.

If only Dean could figure out who it was.

Maybe - if Dean knew who he was - he could introduce them, so that Castiel could possible be happy. Dean thinks he'd like that.

Just then the bell rings - the end of the day. And Dean still hasn't finished it.

He gets up and walks to his car. Sam is already waiting there, and notices the notebook still in his arms.

"Are you kidding me? You still haven't returned it yet?"

"No, you got it wrong-"

"I told you that it was private, and yet you still have-"

"He gave it to me," Dean walked passed his brother and unlocked the car. Sam stopped and look at him like he was crazy. Dean nodded, "Yeah, I tried to give it back and he just told me to finish reading it."

"What did he say?"

"He said, 'if anyone were to read it, I wanted it to be you,'" Dean quoted.

"Whatever," Sam mumbled as he got in the passenger side. "Wait, why are you so special?"

"I don't know, I didn't think he even knew who I was," Dean admitted.

Sam shook his head, he didn't have an answer. Both boys asked themselves the same question - Why? Why would Castiel want Dean to read something like all of his thoughts.

 _My mom woke me up early last night, and because I couldn't go back to sleep, I didn't get a lot of rest. So now I'm tired and can't remember anything I learned today. But I did run into him. He was sprinting out of the bathrooms at the same time I was walking by and he ran into me. His hands landed on my hip and shoulder as he steadied me. He left after that, but I saw him up close and noticed more freckles than I though. His eyes are even prettier up close as well._

 _I haven't stopped smiling._

Dean smiled himself. He really need Cas and this guy to talk. He knew Castiel wouldn't get to be with this guy the way he wants, but it will make him happy to be friends, Dean thinks. Dean laughed at himself, until he turned the page. And found it blank.

"What?" Dean murmured out loud.

He flipped through the rest of the pages, nothing more was written. Dean squinted at the pages, he was tempted to go back and read them. Never did it have a name in it, so who was it?

Dean didn't get much sleep that night. He woke up tired the next morning with Castiel on his mind.

Castiel was leaning against the side of the building like the previous day, except this time he looked around as if he were waiting for someone. Castiel stood straight up when he saw Dean heading his way, almost as if he were waiting for some sort of verdict.

"What did you think of my life?" Castiel joked when he got within earshot.

"Eventful."

"As one's life is," Castiel smirked, but it turned into a grimace.

"What is it?" Dean asked. Dean felt as if he's known Castiel forever, and they were really close. Really, he does know everything about him…

"You still want to talk to me? I mean I realize now that I kind of was a little excessive and all, but in my defense-"

"What are you talking about?" Dean raised one eyebrow at him. "You wrote down your thoughts - that I read without your permission - the only thing I want to know is who you were talking about most of the time. I mean, I understand that he's a boy that goes here and-"

"Are you stupid?"

Castiel immediately slaps a hand over his mouth. He hadn't wanted to say anything, that was for sure. Dean was taken back by his abrupt question.

"Umm, no. Why would you ask me that?"

Castiel just shakes his head, hand still cupping his own chin. Dean looked around and noticed that more and more students were arriving.

"Seriously, though. Did I miss something?" Dean pursed his lips together.

"It's you," Castiel slipping his hand away. "The person that makes me happy is you, and you had no idea."

Castiel's feet shuffled and looked like he was going to bolt. Meanwhile Dean was finally putting together the pieces. _Green eyes. Tousled hair. Freckles._ Castiel had been describing him all along.

Oh.

 **Castiel /**

Castiel could watch the wheels turn in Dean's head. The way his face cocked slightly to the left, his eyebrows twitched and then a smile broke out on his beautiful face.

And then he laughs.

And Castiel wanted to be anywhere but there, preferably in front of a moving vehicle. Castiel's throat seemed impossibly dry as his cheeks and neck reddened with a deep blush. His eyes welled up, he almost let the tears fall.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"No," Dean's entire stance chanced. He immediately cut off his laugh and leaned down so that their eyes were on the same level. "I wasn't laughing at you, I swear."

Castiel's tears were gone.

"I just…" He trailed off and looked at the ground. Was that embarrassment Castiel saw on his face? What did he have to be embarrassed about?

"What is it?"

"I was just thinking - as I was reading - that whoever it was that made you happy that I wanted to introduce them to you, b-because you deserve to be happy." Dean no longer met Castiel's eyes.

Castiel opened his mouth to answer, desperately trying to find an appropriate response when the first bell rang.

Dean shot Castiel a quick smile before molding into the crowd entering the building. And Castiel was left to ponder what to do next. He always fantasized of Dean reading his notebook. And many times he thought that Dean would just pity him for a little while and then blow him off, like a lot of people did when his older brother died.

He definitely didn't expect Dean to actually care about him. He still wasn't sure, but Dean's actions seemed to favor the idea of him caring about Castiel's well-being. Either way, it's more than anyone's done for him, and - technically - he hasn't even done anything yet.

It made Castiel feel good.

* * *

 **What do you think?**


	5. Chapter 5

**I am continuing my quest to fill very line above and below the chapter!**

* * *

 **Castiel /**

Apparently, there was a lot more that Dean was planning on doing for Castiel.

Later that day, Dean met with Castiel at his locker - the same locker that would stick or jam up sometimes. Castiel couldn't get it this one time, and just like all of the other times he'd just plan to go to class without his books. When Dean suddenly appeared behind him and offered to help.

"Are you sure, it's difficult," Castiel warned.

"Yeah, type in your combination." Castiel did as he was told.

Dean tried pulling up on it, Castiel could help but noticed the way his muscles rippled under the sleeve of his t-shirt. Castiel sucked in a breath as Dean stepped closer - to try harder on the locker handle - and efficiently pinning Castiel to the row of lockers.

If Dean noticed the effect he was having on the dark-haired boy he didn't show it.

"There," Dean said, Castiel didn't notice he'd gotten his locker opened until he said something.

"Oh, thanks." Castiel waited for Dean to move, he was close enough to feel the heat radiate off of his body and breathe in his musky scent.

Dean smirked and stepped back, allowing Castiel to breathe and clear his head. He laughed and started to walk away through the completely empty hallways. The bell must have rung already and he hadn't heard it.

"You're going to be late, y'know!" Castiel called out to his retreating form.

"Time well spent, helping a friend." Dean threw him a smile over his shoulder and disappeared around the corner. Friend?

Castiel smiled and stood there for a minute in a sort of daze, before he realized that he was going to be late as well. He pulled the right books out and scurried to the class he was currently missing.

 **~[[SPN]]~**

The second time Dean did something unexpecting was the next day at lunch. Usually Castiel just sat by himself at a table and absorbed himself in a book. He rarely bothered to get a lunch, even though his school offered free lunches.

Dean walked over with a tray in his hand and sat down in front of Castiel. Too involved with his book, he didn't noticed the other boy until he cleared his throat loudly.

"When did you get there?" Castiel asked when he looked up.

"I just sat down, did I interrupt something important?" Dean asked, picking up his burger and taking a giant bite.

"Oh. uhh…. No." Castiel closed the book and pushed it aside, his full attention on the boy sitting across from him.

"Aren't you eating?" Dean asked through his second bite.

"No, actually…" Castiel bit his lip and looked down. He was ashamed. "I don't eat a whole lot."

"Like, you don't eat at the school, because believe me - it's a lot better than it looks-"

"No, like I don't eat at all. I mean, I have to eat or I wouldn't be alive. But I haven't eaten in at least two days." He refused to look back up.

Castiel didn't know why he was telling Dean this. For all he knew, Dean could be taking this information and spilling it to anyone and everyone.

But for some odd reason he trusted him.

"Castiel," Dean's voice sounded frail. Still he didn't look up. "Castiel Novak."

Castiel's eyes flicked up to meet Dean's worried expression.

"Cas, that's not _good._ You have to eat, buddy."

"I'm okay, I've gone longer than this-"

"That's not any better!" Dean hissed. He kept his voice low.

Castiel didn't know why, but Dean judging him like this hurt him. Nobody has ever cared whether he lived or died, so why did he? Was Dean Winchester actually trying to help? Or just making fun of him? Castiel thought probably the later.

Castiel shut his eyes tightly as tears flooded them. His hands came up to his face, attempting to rub away what he was feeling. Castiel didn't like this. He wanted this to go back to the way they were, with Dean not knowing who he was. He'd prefer being left alone then all of these confusing feelings.

"Hey, Cas, what's wrong? If you want, you can have my lunch-"

"I want you to leave me alone," Castiel said quietly. His voice was even, "I want you to stay out of my life, and I wished you had just left things that _aren't yours alone_!"

Castiel jumped up and started to walk away. He had been able to keep the tears away up until this point, and tears streamed down his face as he tried to dodge other students and get outside.

Why had Dean Winchester even bothered to read his stupid notebook? Why couldn't he had just kept to himself, and _not cared at all?_

 **Dean /**

Dean tried to figure out what had made Castiel so upset. He went back and thought about the small conversation he'd had.

He shouldn't have asked Castiel about his diet.

Dean had no idea that it was such a sensitive topic. Besides, why would Castiel not eat for days? Did he just not like was offered to him, or was it-

He had an aunt that died from lack of nutrition. _Because she had eating disorder._ She would go days without eating, and she lost so much weight. It seemed like every time Dean would see her she was thinner and thinner until she wasn't breathing anymore. They said her depression won and it killed her.

Dean was ten at the time, but he still remember asking her about the scars on her wrists….

"God dammit, Castiel," Dean mumbled as he stood up, abandoning his lunch and grabbing the other boy's book. He began to run the way Castiel had sprinted away.

He found Castiel sitting next to an oak tree on the edge of the school property. Dean could tell he was crying even before he got within earshot and heard his sobs. Something pinched inside of Dean and he had an overpowering urge to make Castiel quit hurting. It's the same feeling he got when he use to hold Sam when he had nightmares.

Castiel didn't even notice Dean until Dean kneeled next to him. Castiel took one look at Dean and tried to shove him away, but he wasn't very strong so Dean barely wobbled.

"I'm sorry, whatever I said, I take it back. I'm sorry, Castiel, I'm sorry." Dean repeated it over and over while he wrapped his arms around the dark-haired boy.

Castiel buried his head in Dean's neck and sobbed unrelentlessly. Little did Dean know, that Castiel has been trying to be strong for a long time. He's tried to just swallow everything down, but Dean brought out something evil and Castiel just wanted to cry.

And Dean let him. He waited until his tears were gone, and all that was left were the hiccups. Dean ran his fingers through Castiel's hair and hummed softly.

That was when he fully realized how thin Castiel actually was. Dean could feel each of his ribs, and he seemed to weigh barely anything. Dean tried to see if he had the same scars on his wrists, but he couldn't see Castiel's arms from this angle.

"I'm such a mess, Dean. You wouldn't know where to begin. Somethings you just can't write on a piece of paper," Castiel whispered. Dean normally wouldn't have been able to hear him if they weren't as close as they were.

"I don't care. Do you hear me? I don't care about what you think is wrong with yourself. If you let me, I want to help you." Dean meant every word he said. Dean shifted and moved Castiel so that he was leaning more into Dean.

Castiel took two deep breaths before he said anything else. "You don't have to. Don't feel obligated to fix me just because you know what I've been through-"

"It's more than that," Even as he was saying it, Dean was realizing that it was true. "I want to help you. I don't want you to hurt anymore Castiel, you deserve so much more than what you get."

"Cas," he mumbled.

"What?" Dean pulled back a little to get Castiel to look at him.

Castiel's eyes no longer had tears in them, but they shone brightly as he spoke. "You called me 'Cas,' back in the cafeteria. I like that nickname. You can call me that."

Dean brought his hand back up and swept the hair off of his face, he smiled and whispered, "Okay, Cas."

Dean actually got Castiel to smile back at him. Dean looked back at the school and noticed students moving back into the building. The bell must have rang but they were too far away to hear it. Dean couldn't have cared less.

"Hey, Dean," Castiel said almost sleepily.

"Yes, Cas?"

"Thank you, I know you don't know what you've done, but just thank you." Castiel's breathing slowed on Dean's chest and a moment later Castiel was sleeping, lying against Dean Winchester.

* * *

 **I felt the need to use his full name. I needed the emphasis.**


	6. Chapter 6

**If you've kept with the story so far: Thank You! But I'm just letting you know that what happens in this chapter kind of throws the whole story into swing.**

* * *

 **Castiel /**

 _-he helped me sort out my confusion about him._ _Now I'm sure that he cares about me. I no longer doubt that he's just playing with me, after I woke up with his arms still around me and him passed out leaning against the tree, I was sure._

Castiel rereads what he wrote and smiles at the memory.

Right now, he sat on the cold beach shore. The waves lap at the sand close to his feet. Too bad he didn't have a camera to capture the beauty of the quiet. The calmness that this particular spot brought him.

A piece of driftwood was caught on the sand a few feet from Castiel. Its edges were bleached white, it looked very fragile. Overhead, a lone seagull made its croak-like sound as it scoured for food.

Castiel sat and smiled for a moment. And then his new phone went off. A text message from Dean. It was an old flip phone - a hand-me-down from Dean.

Dean had been so surprised when Castiel told him that he didn't have a phone. Shocked enough to put minutes on this one and give it to him. When Castiel tried to argue, Dean's argument was, "How else am I supposed to contact you?" Castiel gave in and took the phone.

 _D- Where are you?_

 _C-On the beach, where are you?_

A response came almost instantly. Almost as if he had been staring at his phone waiting. He probably wasn't, but Castiel still laughed quietly to himself.

 _D- Can you meet me in town? I'm at the square._

 _C-Sure, see you soon._

Castiel tucked his notebook into his backpack, he'd come here directly after school. He stood up and brushed off the sand that collected onto his jeans. Castiel smiled as he headed towards the direction of town.

He looked back at his phone and hovered over Dean's name. His picture came up and Castiel's smile widened. Dean had taken the picture before he gave the phone to Castiel.

Not only was he really handsome, but he also had the personality to match it.

Castiel was very fond of the way Dean would treat him as another normal human being instead of a kicked puppy like he was used too. He was enjoyed the way Dean picked Castiel above all of his school friends, the only person that Dean put before him was Sam, and Castiel didn't care at all.

Castiel was fond of the way Dean would smile when he looked at Castiel. It was different to when he was looking at everyone else. His eyes would crinkle more, or he'd flash all of his teeth at Castiel. Or maybe Castiel was just obsessed with Dean's lips.

Castiel was very fond of the way Dean would seem to stumble over his own words or feet around Castiel, even when Castiel would see him act confident around anyone else. It made Castiel feel special.

Castiel was almost positive he could fall in love with Dean Winchester if he wasn't careful.

And then Castiel was thinking of how it would be to love someone like Dean Winchester. He would be able to accept any of their annoying quirks as long as they were going to be with Castiel for the long haul. That's exactly what Castiel wants from life; somebody to love him unconditionally. He wouldn't ask for another thing if he could have just that.

He was walking down the street, almost at the town square already, when three guys jumped out and grabbed him.

Castiel tried to fight, but they were too strong. And he was really weak, and apparently easy to carry. He jerked his body around and caught one of them in the side, they barely groaned in pain. Castiel tried to scream, but they had his mouth covered.

He couldn't see, he couldn't scream. He was all alone.

And then he they were dropping him, letting hit the wet pavement hard. His head flung back and hit something hard as well. A brick wall. They dragged him back into a deep alley, away from anyone to help him to do what?

To beat him?

He looks up and sees Crowley, Azazel, and now Uriel standing over him. Castiel let out a low whine of sheer terror for what they could do to him, he was at their mercy. "Please leave me alone!"

"Where is your Winchester hero now?" Crowley taunted as he brought his leg back.

He pushed it forward and a hard kick to Castiel's side. He curled up into a ball and tried to protect himself, but it was no use, they all started kicking him. Once or twice someone would bend down and punch him in the face.

"Stop! Stop!"Castiel tried to scream, he was choking on something thick in his throat. It was his own blood.

"Hey is this your phone Castiel?" Azazel picked up the small dark object. His backpack was gone now, must have been torn off him in the struggle. It was getting hard for Castiel to see, the left side of his face was swelled up, his eye already glued shut.

What Castiel did see horrified him. Azazel went through his phone. "Aww, your boyfriend's number is in here. How sweet…" His voice was raised a few octave to imitate a girl's.

One flick of his wrist and he broke the phone in half. Castiel sobbed as the gift Dean gave him was broken. And his only way to call for help.

Castiel swallowed a couple of times and let out a blood-curling scream, but it was cut off by Crowley stepping on his throat. His muddy boot rubbing the skin raw, and his weight cutting off Castiel's air flow. Helplessly, the victim clawed at the leg that held him down, it did nothing.

He kicked and tried to throw the leg off of him, but nothing was working.

He needed to breathe, his vision was blurring around the edges. Tears streamed from his eyes. He no longer had feeling in his arms and legs, his hands dropped uselessly to his sides. His head felt numb, he could barely think straight.

Were they going to kill him?

And then the boot was gone, and somebody was yelling, or maybe that was the ringing in his head? He tried to sit down, but he fell back down before getting into a complete sitting position.

Everywhere hurt, it felt like fire. He couldn't see, only hear the sound of flesh hitting flesh, and somebody yelped. The ringing in his head increased, and painful moan left his lips.

And then everything was quiet.

* * *

 **I just realized, this is literally the cause of the rest of the story. And there is like twenty more chapters...**


	7. Chapter 7

**Finally, you get to know what happened to poor Castiel.**

* * *

 **Castiel /**

When Castiel regained consciousness again the first thing his brain could register was the pain. His sides burned at every breath. His face hurts, everything hurt. It was like someone was just constantly pounding on his skull.

For a split second he didn't know what had happened to him. And then the memories came back in a rush, he remembers Crowley with his friends stand over top of him. He remembers blow after blow, and then he remembers Crowley almost killing him by choking him.

Each breath Castiel took tore at his raw throat, Crowley must have done some damage to his vocal cords. He didn't try to say anything, he doubt he could anyway.

The next thing he notices was that he wasn't wearing a shirt. And there was bandages around his middle. For a second he thought he was at the hospital, but it was actually a bedroom. Castiel panicked for a moment when he couldn't sit up. He reached an arm behind him and pushed himself up. Everything screamed in pain as he strained his already sore muscles.

He got himself into a semi-sitting position, just enough to look around. His vision had black spots dancing across as he tried to stay sitting up.

He caught one glance at the floor and fell back onto the bed partly in shock and partly in pain. He let out a whimper that burned his throat and tried to hold in any sounds that would hurt his throat even more.

Dean Winchester was sleeping on the ground next to the bed. He looked around the room - from the awkward angle he was at - and noticed all the things that would make this a teenage boy's room. There were a few music/ artist posters one the wall, a couple of sports trophies on the shelves that lined the walls. There was a bedside table on the opposite side of the bed that held a lamp and a picture of Dean and his family, only younger.

Castiel tried to figure out how he ended up in Dean's bedroom, but he was coming up with nothing.

His sound of pain must have alerted Dean, because a couple of seconds later he heard him stand up and stretch. Castiel closed his eyes and listened for Dean. The first thing he felt was Dean move the bandages around his chest, checking whatever thing that burned with pain underneath.

Castiel almost flinched when Dean brought a cold ice back to his forehead. After the initial shock, the cold felt good on his throbbing brain.

And then Dean something Castiel wouldn't have expected. He felt feather-like touches over the parts of his chest, stomach, and neck not wounded. They were Dean's fingers, he was running them over every surface he could find.

Castiel tried to keep his eyes close, to relax into the touch. But his eyes fluttered opened when Dean's pinkie ran over his right nipple. His breathing stuttered and Dean pulled his hand back instantly.

"You're awake," Dean said. "I was just checking your wounds."

Castiel tried to say something, but his throat burned when he took a breath. Dean gentle closed his jaw and brought a finger up to his lips.

"You're throat and neck is bruised badly, I can't imagine what it feels like. Don't worry about talking." Worry was the only thing in Dean's eyes.

And then Castiel noticed Dean's lack of a top. He really tried to keep his eyes on Dean's eyes, but when Dean reached up - to adjust the pillows behind Castiel's head - Castiel could see each sexy curve of muscle and all smooth skin.

If Castiel hadn't been hurt, he's pretty sure he'd be aroused right now.

But then Dean steps back and catches where Castiel's eyes went. Despite everything that's happened, a blush crept up his neck and cheeks. Dean smirked at his reaction and walked to the corner of his room to his dresser. He pulled on a simple black t-shirt that wasn't much better.

"I bet you're wondering what happened?"

Castiel tried his hardest to give Dean the _No duh, dumbass_ look.

"Okay, fair enough-"

The bedroom door opened slightly, Sam's head poked in. "Cas!" he exclaimed, "You're awake! Oh God, I didn't think you were going to wake up, even though Dean said you were going to fine. I could tell he was freaking out as well, but you look so bad. Even worst when he first brought-"

"That's enough, Sammy," Dean cautioned. "I don't think he can handle you talking that fast. Afterall, he did _just_ wake up."

Nobody said anything after that. The only sounds that could be heard were the cars outside and Castiel's labored breathing.

"Has Dean told you what happened?" Sam asked quietly and slowly.

Pain shot up his neck and head as he shook his head, no. A painful moaned left his parted, cracked lips.

"Stupid. Quit moving." Dean gave him a stern look and looked over at his brother, "Hey, could you go get a glass of water with a straw?" Sam did as he was asked.

"Okay, so… Do you remember heading to the town square? Don't move your head. Can you moved your hand?" Dean asked.

To show that he could, Castiel lifted his wrist. After Dean nodded he let it drop back to the mattress. Dean took a deep breath and slowly let it out.

"One for no, two for yes. Got it?" Castiel tapped his index finger twice.

"Good. Do you remember?" _Tap. Tap._ "So, I was waiting where I told you I'd be. And I was wondering what was taking you so long - to be honest I was actually getting impatient. So I started walking back towards the beach, taking the easiest route like I knew you would.

"On my way, there was a girl who came barreling out of nowhere. She goes to our school - Charlie? I think her name is. Do you know her?" Only one tap this time.

"She was yelling, tears falling down her face. 'Somebody help, they're gonna kill him!' And I had her lead me to whoever 'he' was. And the scene I saw made me sick to my stomach. They had y-you on the ground, blow after blow…"

Dean's next breath quivered, Castiel swallowed thickly despite the burn.

"I saw that it was those lowlife, sons a b-" he stopped himself. "I might have blacked out or something. I don't know, once I recognized who was on the ground all I could see was red. I was so beyond pissed. And I just…"

Castiel raised his eyebrows at him when he didn't continue.

"Next thing I know, I'm lifting you up. You were so wounded, unconscious and bleeding. You had blood running from your nose _and_ mouth. I was so scared. At first I wasn't sure if you were breathing. I didn't know what to do, so I brought you here and tried my best."

Dean was standing next to the bed now, he continued to edge closer while he talked. Castiel saw his opportunity to thank him, and took his hand. Dean looked down at their now entwined fingers and back up to Castiel's face. His grip tightened.

"I tried to be strong, for Sammy, but I think he heard me crying…" Dean's voice broke when he noticed the tears leaking from the corner of Castiel's eyes.

Dean leaned forward and gently wiped them away. "Don't cry, please don't cry. I am so sorry, Castiel. This is all my fault."

Dean didn't pull away, he stayed inches from Castiel's face.

"If I hadn't wanted you to be with me. You never would have been there in the first place. I'm sorry. This is my fault-"

Dean was suddenly cut off by Castiel pressing his lips to Dean's.

Dean made a surprised noise in the back of his throat, but didn't pull away. Castiel had to push himself up to reach Dean's face, and after a short moment he fell back onto the bed. His eyes were wide, a new fear in them.

Dean didn't say anything, he only stared. He licked his lips, as if to taste more of Castiel.

With the worst and best timing ever, Sam walked back into the room with a tall glass half full and a bendy straw sticking out of it. He handed Dean the glass and the light-haired boy didn't hesitate or show that anything had happened. He just walked up and pushed the straw onto Castiel's lower lip.

Castiel immediately sucked in the water like a madman. He got a few mouthfuls in before he started coughing. This wasn't a small little couch, his was full body hacking. The force of it made him sit up, Dean helped after placing the cup on the bedside table. Castiel jerked and his body spasmed

His coughing tore at his already sore throat. Tears sprang in his eyes. As soon as he could breath normally again he fell back onto the bed. This time unconscious.

* * *

 **Just to clarify - It wasn't the water that made Castiel to go unconscious. I'm not sure if you've ever seen it, but if you get into a big enough fit, you could thrash your body around hard enough to knock yourself out. And because Cas was extremely weak in the first place, it didn't take much.**


	8. Chapter 8

**In this chapter, the song _Unsteady_ by the _X Ambassadors_ is used. I would like the say that I do not own that song either! **

* * *

The next few days were beyond painful for Castiel.

The first day Dean helped him get water down without couching. The second day Dean got him to eat soft foods like yogurt, pudding, and even a little ice cream. Dean hasn't been back to school, but he sent Sam back. By the third day, Castiel could sit up on his own.

And Dean had taken care of him the entire time. Every time Castiel was bored, Dean and him would talk or Dean would make him laugh - even though nine times out of ten it hurt. Dean coxed some food into Castiel, part of him wouldn't eat a lot because of his injuries, another wouldn't eat because he refused too.

And Dean was still right there helping Castiel with every need. Even when Castiel had to use the bathroom - he was still too far wounded to get up and use it on his own - so Dean would hold an empty bottle up for him and wash his hands more than twenty times after he disposed of the now full bottle. And every time Castiel would apologize and Dean would always tell him to shut up. Dean was just glad Castiel had eaten barely anything so that it wasn't worst.

And the fourth day was when the cops showed up at Dean's door.

Castiel was apparently close enough to the door that he could hear their conversation. He didn't know what the rest of the house looked like.

"Are you Dean Winchester?"

"Like you don't know, Michael." Castiel could detect slight anger or annoyance in Dean's voice.

"Hey, just protocol. What did you do to Crowley?" He didn't know who the Michael guy was, but Dean obviously knew him.

"They were harming another civilian, so I stopped them." Dean's voice was calm, he sounded almost bored.

"You know Crowley is in the hospital with a concussion, and looks like your hand is broken."

"I didn't know that," Dean said sarcastically. "Am I in trouble? If I am then just let me know, I don't have all day-"

"Who were you protecting?"

"His name is Castiel Novak. I saw them beating him in an alley and I helped. I protected someone who couldn't protect themselves. Where did I go wrong?"

"It's how much you 'protected' the boy. And I know who you are talking about. Poor kid has been through enough, why can't people just leave him alone?"

"How do you know?" Dean asked, his voice adding a protect layer.

"I knew his older brother, Lucifer. I was great friends when everything happened." What the cop said stabbed at Castiel's heart as he thought about it.

"Okay," Dean said. Castiel could tell he didn't know what else to say.

"Just stay out of trouble, okay? You're fine. Is Castiel okay, do you know?"

"Yeah, he's fine."

Castiel could hear the front door close and a couple of moments passed before Dean appeared in the room with him.

"What did you do to him?" Castiel whispered.

"You heard, then?" Castiel nodded. "Like I told him, I was defending you. I did what I had too. I don't think they are going to hurt you again.."

"Dean-" Castiel croaked.

"No," Dean stared at him straight in the eye. "I am not going to apologize for this. Castiel do you know they were going to kill you?" Dean's voice rose as he stepped closer to the still terribly injured boy.

"What would I have done then? Acted like I didn't let you die? We are too far in this for you to quit now. So no, I will not apologize for this."

Castiel could only stare after he finished with his speech. Castiel swallowed as he realized how close Dean was, not as close as when Castiel had kissed him, but close enough. Castiel sat up with almost no struggle anymore, just so that Dean wasn't looking down at him.

"I don't want you to apologize. I just… I don't know," Castiel mumbled, looking down.

"Cas," the blue-eyed boy looked up. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm sorry," Castiel didn't know what else to say.

He was caused so much for Dean these passed couple of days. He knew that Dean was stressed out, he knew that Dean never asked for this. He never wanted this much drama, Castiel knew that at any moment he could just tell Dean to forget it.

"For every bad thing I've caused you."

Dean stepped close to him now, his fingers sweeping back the hair off of Castiel's forehead. Dean kept his fingers tangled in Castiel's messy hair. They both didn't say anything for a while, just listening to each other breathing and staring at each other's eyes. Castiel never wanted to leave this moment, never wanted to be anywhere else.

Castiel's life was so screwed up, but for some reason Dean cared about him. And Castiel never wanted to do anything to harm Dean.

"Why do you hate yourself so much?" Dean murmured.

"I don't know," Castiel admitted.

"So don't-"

"It's not that easy."

"Because you are so great. So wonderful, so amazing. And so, so worth everything I have. I am so glad that I picked up your notebook."

Castiel didn't have the chance to say anything - even if he did have something to say - before Dean's lips were on his own. Their second kiss lasted a lot longer than the first because Castiel wasn't as weak.

Dean pulled back to catch Castiel's reaction. And it was as if he couldn't stay away because he almost instantly kissed Castiel again. Their breathing became irregular the longer the kiss lasted. When Dean tried to pull away Castiel leaned forward and followed his lips. Dean's laugh was light and musical.

"Cas, Cas." Dean whispered as Castiel tried to chase after Dean's lips once more.

"I don't want to wake up soon…"

"Do you dream of me often?" Dean smirked at Castiel's blissed out face, not even catching what Dean said.

Castiel gripped the jacket he was wearing and pulled him in for another kiss. Castiel wasn't strong enough to actually move Dean at all, Dean came at his own will. Their lips reconnected and Castiel couldn't get over how soft Dean's mouth was.

They moved away and Castiel pulled Dean's arms around his own body. Dean pulled Castiel closer against his chest. Not hard enough to hurt him, but enough to let Castiel know he wasn't going anywhere.

"You don't have to kiss me. Just hold onto me and don't let me go." Castiel pressed his face into Dean's neck and breathed in his scent.

"I won't," Dean promised.

And then Dean laughed. "You know that song that's been playing on the radio?"

"Which one, there is quite a few that they play."

"Unsteady? I think it's called." Dean said. He leaned over to grab his phone and clicked a few buttons. His phone started to play the song, Castiel instantly recognized it.

"Do you sing?" Dean asked gently. Castiel thought about saying his throat hurt too much, but instead he started to sing softly.

"Hold onto me, cause I'm a little unsteady… If you love me, don't let me go…"

Dean joined in on the last line, and they laughed when the song ended.

"I'm not gonna lie, you can't sing…" Castiel joked.

"Oh, thanks," Dean answered sarcastically.

And Castiel knew it was too late. He knew it was too late the moment Dean even said that he cared for him. Castiel was falling hard. And there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He was falling so in love with Dean Winchester.

* * *

 ***in gushy voice* AHHHHHH SO CUTE**

 **(I'm sorry.) But remember that song, its kind of "their song" or rather, Castiel's song for Dean.**


	9. Chapter 9

**This chapter started off a nice, fluffy one... it didn't end that way.**

* * *

 **Dean /**

Dean wished that Castiel waited a little while longer. But he claimed he was strong enough to get up out of the bed. Dean wasn't so sure.

"Are you okay? You don't have to do this-"

"I've heard this like ten times," Castiel laughed at the other boy.

Castiel grabbed onto Dean's shoulder and pulled himself up onto his feet. Dean stood absolutely still and flexed the muscles in his arm, partly to help Castiel up and partly to show him how strong he actually was.

"Alright," Castiel grunted. "You can stop showing off any minute now."

Dean laughed and held him up. Together they got Castiel completely on his feet, until he was standing up straight. Castiel took one step forward, and then another. His joints were stiff, Dean could tell, by the way he moved slowly and awkwardly.

Castiel's breaths were coming faster and heavier now. Just this little movement was beginning to wind him. Dean had to remind himself that this was Castiel's idea, even if it was a stupid one.

"Why are you doing this? You need your rest-"

"I have to get back to school somehow, I just need to learn to cope with the pain."

"You have all of the time in the world. I don't care how long you use my bed, the floor is comfy actually-"

"First off, you're so lying. And secondly, after a while the school calls my parents to ask why I haven't been there." Castiel's voice came out strained and every couple of words he had to pause.

Dean has actually found it enjoyable having Castiel around all of the time. It gave him the excuse of not going to school himself, and having someone besides Sam to talk too.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Dean said in defeat. "How much longer you wanna go?" They were about to walk into the wall.

"I want you to let go, just be ready to catch me if I fall, 'cuz that's gonna hurt like a bitch." Castiel said, gently pushing Dean away.

When Dean finally stepped away, after giving him a confirming look, Castiel used the wall for his main support. But then he pushed off and headed back to the bed. Dean walked at Castiel's pace with him, each step he took, Dean took one to match it.

When Dean's knees bumped the bed, he sat down and reached his hands out to catch Castiel if he needed it. When he was only a step away, Castiel stopped. With Dean sitting down, Castiel stood taller than him.

"Look who the bigger one is now?" Castiel taunted.

Dean smirked and placed his hands on the other boy's hips. Said boy sucked in a gasp so fast that Dean thought he'd hurt him. But before Dean could even move his hands away, Castiel's slightly smaller, thinner ones were covering them.

Dean started humming softly as he inched Castiel even closer until the blue-eyed boy stood between his legs. Castiel wavered for a moment and Dean guessed that it probably wasn't from his injuries.

Castiel brought one of his hands up and tangled his fingers in Dean's hair. It has been a whole week since Castiel has been here. Which means it's been that long since his last shower. And this is the first time Castiel has been able to stand up.

"No offense, Cas, but you kind of stink."

"Thanks, Dean." Castiel removed his hand from Dean's hair. "I can try to take a shower, but if I fall..."

"It's gonna hurt like a bitch, got it." Dean backed Castiel up a little bit so he could walk around him and to his dresser. "But, if I were to sit in the bathroom with you - even as creepy as that sounds - I could catch you if you fall."

Dean turned his back to the other boy and started looking for something for Castiel to wear for when he was clean. He decided on a simple pair of sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt.

"Would you really be willing to reach into the shower and stand me back up, even if I was completely nude?" It was a challenge, Dean knew.

"Why not? I'd be helping a friend." Dean looked back to what he was doing and missed Castiel's expression.

Dean stopped for a second after realizing what he said. It took him a moment to recover. Were they still just friends? Was he just going to ignore everything that's happened?

Castiel cleared his throat nervously and said back, "Yeah."

There was an awkward silence between them as Dean helped Castiel to the bathroom. Dean led Castiel to the toilet and he sat on the closed lid. Dean started up the shower, putting it on a gentle spray and keeping it at a suitable temperature.

"Do you have to pee?" Dean came out and asked him. Castiel shook his head. Even if he had to go, he could just do it while he was in the shower.

Dean walked back over to the sink and dried his hands on a hand towel. Dean hesitated for a moment, contemplating on what to do next.

"I'll step out…" Dean said as he shuffled to the door.

Dean could hear the sounds of Castiel struggling to get his clothes off. It was almost five minutes later when Dean wasn't able to hear anything. Dean thought of just walking in, but then he heard Castiel's voice, "Don't come walking in, but I need help getting my pants off…"

"Okay, my eyes are closed."

Dean walked out and kept his arm raised and used touch as his guide. Castiel called him over to where he was standing and kept a hand on the bottom half of his vision, but opened his eyes enough to see Castiel's face. The dark-haired boy's face was completely red, probably a mix of exertion and embarrassment.

"I'll try not to look," Dean said as he felt along Castiel's hip to get to the waistband of his jeans - they were pulled down a couple of inches already, but not off enough. Dean then, as gently as he could, started to tug them off. When he got too low, he crouched down and kept his eyes shut tightly, his knees hit the bathroom floor and he knew how this would look if somebody like Sam were to walk in…

"Okay, step," Dean instructed. Once the jeans were gone - his underwear with them - he threw the dirty piece of cloth to the side.

"I'm good now," Castiel said.

Dean stood up and turned around. Dean heard the shower curtain move and slide back over. Castiel said he was in the shower and Dean turned around and picked up Castiel's soiled clothes and threw them immediately in the washing machine so that he could wash them as soon as the other boy was done with the shower.

Dean made it back to the bathroom in record time, and sat on the closed toilet seat. He listened to the sounds of the water hitting the bottom of the tub and Castiel occasionally grunt in pain.

"Hey Cas," Dean said.

"Yes, Dean?"

"How are you doing? Need any assistance?" Dean couldn't help but smirk at the shower curtain.

"No I think I'll be fine-" Castiel's voice cut off because he started to violently cough.

Just like last time, his whole body was thrown into it, his breath coming out in deep hoarse gasps. Dean stood up but didn't walk any closer to the shower. His heart pounded loudly as he remember how his friend's body was thrown across the bed when he had his last coughing fit like this one. He had scared Dean, but he was alright.

"Cas? Castiel, are you gonna make it?" Dean asked over the coughing.

"I-i'm f-f-fin-ne." Castiel tried to speak between coughs.

Dean watched in horror was Castiel's hand came out to find purchase and grabbed the shower curtain instead. Castiel collapsed and pulled the curtain down with him. Dean froze for a moment at the sight of his naked body - he landed over the side of the tub on his stomach. But when Dean saw that he wasn't moving he immediately sprang into action.

Dean ran forward and grabbed Castiel's shoulders, lifting his head up to check if he was breathing - weakly, but yes, he was.

"Jesus, Cas." Dean muttered as he propped the naked, unconscious boy against himself.

"What the hell, Dean?" Sam was asking at the door. He must have gotten out of school already.

"He had a coughing fit in the shower, he's unconscious. Come here and help me get him up!" Dean yelled. His voice shook.

"Uhh.." Sam didn't move until his older brother yelled again.

Together they got Castiel semi-straight in the bottom of the tub. Sam had already shut the water off and Dean grabbed a couple of towels. Neither Winchester said anything, and there was tension in the air.

Dean grabbed an extra hand-towel and threw it over Castiel's hips and thighs, covering him enough for them to not-so-awkwardly dry him off.

Once Castiel was dry enough, he told Sam to get the change of clothes that he'd gotten earlier. Dean had tried to block Cas's arms and legs from his little brother, but Dean's positive he seen them. The cut scars.

The crisscrossed and overlapped and they were so ugly and so foreign on the angelic-like boy's skin. Dean turned over Castiel's left arm and traced one with his thumb. Some look old, and some looked new. He didn't really have a whole lot of knowledge on this kind of stuff, but he knew it was bad. He didn't like the lines cut into Castiel's skin. He didn't like them at all.

Which is why he vowed to keep anymore from Castiel's skin. As long as Dean was still kicking, Castiel would never harm himself again.

* * *

 **How much you wanna bet he doesn't keep his promise?**


	10. Chapter 10

**If we're being honest here... this was just a filler chapter.**

* * *

 **Dean /**

Dean hated this place. But Castiel was making him return to school.

"Hey, Lover-Boy!" Meg called from behind him.

Once again Dean tried to ignore it as he shut his locker and began the journey to his next class. By the time the story had gotten around, so many different versions had been created. Some people asked Dean what happened the other day in the alley, and Dean always told them to butt out of his business.

"Crowley's pissed, you know!" Meg yelled again. She is Crowley's girlfriend, and a vengeful bitch.

"Tell him to hit me with his best shot!" Dean yelled without looking back as he entered his U.S. History class.

His friends, Benny, Kevin, and Anna, all asked what had happened. Now to them he told them the truth - minus the part of Castiel staying at his house. They didn't need to know how close they've gotten.

How close was he to Castiel?

Dean shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts, and turned his attention to the teacher who'd started the class. Dean really tried to stop thinking about Castiel, but it was harder than he thoughts. In other words, he failed miserably.

Dean had a lot of work to catch up on, and he'd been gathering all of Castiel's as well. He didn't know if the other boy wanted it yet, but it'd give them something to do.

When class ended, Dean got up and headed back to his locker quietly. In the hallway, he saw a red-head - the same girl from the day Crowley beat Castiel - running through the school. Her hair swished from side to side and her eyes were playful, a smile on her face.

Almost completely different from the first time he'd seen her. _She was running from the alleyway just as Dean was passing. She nearly slammed into him, they would have fallen had he not jumped out of the way._

 _She had a crazed, almost terrified look in her eyes. She was shaking and whimpering slightly. She acted as if she'd seen a ghost._

" _Woah, what's wrong?"_

 _Her breath was coming in gasps, from running. "There's a boy, he goes to school here. And three others, they're all hurting him."_

" _Show me," Dean commanded. They ran back the way she came._

 _The scene Dean witnessed was one full of horror. And there he was, Castiel, curled in a half ball as blow after blow was rained on him. Dean couldn't move, it was like he was stuck where he was standing._

 _A gurgling sound came from Castiel's throat as he tried to scream or say something. Crowley brought his foot back and kicked hard at his side. He motioned for his minions to stop for a second._

 _And then Azazel picked something up off the ground. He taunted Castiel for a moment, before snapping the object in half. Dean's hearing had been foggy, as if he was submerged underwater, but the snapping sound was a clear as a bell, as if he finally came up for air._

 _Dean paused for one more moment until Crowley stepped on Castiel's throat and pressed almost all of his weight down. He saw Castiel trying to grab at his muddy boat._

 _Dean sprang into action, he came up behind Uriel and grabbed around his neck. His other hand grabbed his chin and for a split second Dean actually thought about ending his life. Instead he held the boy's airways close until he lost consciousness._

 _The sound of his body falling to the ground alerted the other two._

 _Dean wasn't even afraid. All he could see was red._

 _He wasn't aware of him making a fist, he wasn't aware of himself grabbing Azazel by the shirt collar and landing two punches to his face. One in the nose, the other in the temple. He pushed him back and he smacked his head off the wall._

" _This is stupid!" he yelled and ran off. Charlie still stood at the end of the alley, and jumped back when he came through._

" _Well, well, well…" Crowley said, finally stepping off of Castiel's throat. Dean saw his chest began to rise and fall once more, a sigh flew through his lips._

 _Dean didn't say anything, he just pushed Crowley against the wall and punched him in between his eyes. Crowley cried out, but Dean barely heard him. He punched him again, this time in the abdomen._

 _Dean put his arm against his neck, and hit two more times. Dean leaned down and yelled in his ear, "Don't you_ ever _touch him again!"_

 _Crowley smirked at him, his nose began to bleed. Dean punched him again a few more times, he knew that his hand was going to hurt. He might have even broken it, but he couldn't feel it._

 _Another punch landed in between Crowley's eyes-_

 _Dean barely had any remorse, even when Crowley begged him to stop._

 _-and another punch to the jaw, something crunched under his fingers._

Dean stared after the running figure for a while even when she was gone. And deep sigh left his body and he turned on his heel and continued to his locker. He shook his head and tried to forget.

 **~[[SPN]]~**

Later that day, it was the last hour of the day, when somebody accused him of being a bully himself. It was a small frail girl - Rachel or something was her name - and she was screaming at him in the middle of the hallway.

"Why would you beat four different guys! I mean Crowley, Uriel, Azazel, and whatever the fourth guy's name was!"

Dean smirked, he knew she had it wrong. "Actually," he didn't raise his voice. "Crowley and his followers, was beating my friend Castiel Novak, and I defended a boy who couldn't defend himself."

This made her pause and think about it for a second.

Somebody else behind him spoke up, "Novak? Aren't those the druggies?" Everyone laughed.

Dean turned around and tried to address the speaker, but they were gone. And most of the others were, he tightened his grip on his books and started to walk to his next class. Did the people know Castiel's parents as druggies? Then what did they think of their son?

* * *

 **Literally, the only reason this is a chapter is because I wanted to write the flashback.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Another nice, fluffy chapter.**

* * *

 **Castiel /**

Castiel was able to walk around the entire house all by himself by the time Dean and Sam got home. Castiel was proud of himself.

"Hey Cas," Sam said from the kitchen counter over to Castiel who was sitting at the kitchen table. He was almost out of breath.

"Do you think you might have something broken?" Sam asked.

"I probably don't, I'm not sure I would be able to walk after a little more than a week." His throat was almost completely healed, it no longer hurt to talk or breathe. It was probably from the large amounts of cough-drops Dean has made him eat.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. But shouldn't you see a doctor, or something?"

"He's fine," Dean said, coming to sit down next to Castiel. "Besides, we take him in, then we have to have his parents involved and more drama than it's worth." Castiel was nodding along with what he was saying.

"Okay, whatever."

 **~[[SPN]]~**

Castiel and Dean stayed up together long after Sam went to bed. It was closer to one o'clock when Castiel first yawned, and Dean yawn right after him. They were up watching whatever was on TV and talking even though Dean had school the next day.

"Do you think you'll be able to return to school anytime soon?" Dean asked when he came back from getting himself and Castiel a bowl of chips.

"I don't know," Castiel mumbled. They sat on the couch in the middle of the room, but sat relatively close to each other. "I feel like I could physically, but mentally…"

"I really don't want to rush you, but I'm not sure how many days you got left before they call your parents." Dean leaned closer to gauge Castiel's reaction.

He sighed and shook his head lightly, "Dammit."

Dean nodded and capture the other boy's eyes in a heart-racing stare. Both boys unconsciously leaned forward, and just before their heads inclined to kiss, Castiel pulled back.

"What is this, Dean?" he whispered.

"I don't know," Dean smirked, but Castiel didn't even flinch.

"I need a better answer than that," Castiel leaned all the way into the couch cushions. He folded his arms and tried to look at anything else but Dean.

"What do you want us to be?" Dean asked. He scooted closer to the other boy, their thighs touched. Castiel's breath caught in his throat, he tried to swallow but his dry mouth made it impossible.

"I think you read my answer before," Castiel let a small smile show. He was so afraid that Dean would blow him off, just tell him to forget anything has happened between them. It's all Castiel could think about when Dean wasn't with him.

Dean laughed and smiled at Castiel, the kind of smile that showed all of his teeth, the kind of smile that left him feeling wounded - in the best way of course. Castiel's eyes were stuck looking between Dean's perfect green eyes and his full lips.

Dean leaned closer, teasing him now. He whispered, close enough for his breath to blow across Castiel's face, "What was it that you wrote? That I care about you because I fell asleep with you in my arms?"

Castiel's face immediately turned a bright red with a blood blush traveling all the way down his neck. Dean smirked widened into another full smile. Castiel tried to pull away, to escape the situation like he usually does, but he was trapped between Dean and the couch.

"No fair, I wrote that after I took the notebook back," Castiel accused.

"You were sleeping, I figured you wouldn't have mind." Dean shrugged and brought a hand up and traced the lines in Castiel's hipbone.

Castiel could barely breathe, his face was almost impossibly hot. Dean's thumb traced over his bare skin with his hand pretty much in his shirt. Castiel was in heaven.

"What I want to know, is what you're thinking now…" Dean tilted his head down and look at Castiel through his lashes.

Castiel had to swallow a few times before he could even speak, "I'm really trying to focus on breathing."

Dean laughed and moved his hand up farther, his hot, feather-like touches skimming over the still slightly bruised skin. Castiel's shirt was coming up with Dean's arm, he thought about pulling it back down, but the cool air on his flaming skin felt nice.

"Is that a good or bad thing?"

"Definitely a good thing," Castiel answered as evenly as he could.

Dean opened his mouth to say something else, but Castiel's patience was thinning out. He blurted out, "Could you just shut up and kiss me?"

Dean paused, wanting to tease him more. "There it is, I like it when you are nearly fed up."

"I am fed up," Castiel grabbed Dean's shirtfront and pulled the other boy all of the way in. Their lips collided in a hot smash of emotion. Castiel wrapped his left hand in Dean's hair and the other on his back, pulling him in closer.

Dean pushed in closer and poked his tongue onto Castiel's lips and was granted permission. A soft groan sounded from the back of Dean's throat and Castiel felt another blush creep up his face.

Dean's hand traveled up more and began mapping out Castiel's chest. Castiel let loose a loud moan, and Dean didn't even hesitate, it only fueled him farther. Dean sat up, a whimper sounded from the boy beneath him, and yank off his own shirt. Castiel attempted to pull his off - trying to be almost as sexy as Dean - but ended up needing help. He still wasn't a 100% better, but he was good enough.

Dean's mouth fell onto Castiel's neck, Castiel's fingers digging at Dean's scalp. He moaned when the lighter-haired boy bit into his neck. Castiel couldn't help but spread his legs, his jeans getting considerably tight now, and Dean grabbed the back of his thigh and tugged them around his hips.

"Dean," Castiel breathed. He didn't care how he looked, his mouth was open, trying to get as much oxygen as he could.

Dean pulled back and raised an eyebrow at him. Castiel shook his head and pulled him back to his own mouth. This time Castiel started to explore Dean's mouth with his tongue. He almost lost it when Dean sucked on the wet foreign muscle in his mouth. Castiel arched up into Dean when the older boy's fingers pinched one of his nipples.

"What are you guys- OH MY GOD!"

Dean leapt to the other end of the couch at the sound of his younger brother's voice. _Cock-blocker,_ Castiel thought to himself.

"I sooo, didn't need to see that. Oh, my god! I need to like, bleach my brain or something!" Sam nearly wailed.

"What are you even doing up?!" Dean yelled, but Castiel saw a smile on his lips.

"To use the bathroom!" Sam threw his hands up in the air and walked of towards his original destination.

Castiel's eyes flickered back over to Dean, and together they laughed. A full-blown, gut shaking laugh. Dean actually had a tear in his eye. When they compose themselves, Dean smirked at Castiel, "Do you understand how I feel?"

Castiel thought about trying to flirt back to him, but he almost had a heart attack over what they just did. Castiel wasn't sure if he would be able to handle another make-out session with Dean right now. So he only nodded.

"Good," Dean laughed at his blissed out expression.

"Okay, I'm walking back to my room now!" Sam yelled and walked through with his arm over his eyes.

"You're good, Sam. I don't think Castiel can take anymore."

"SHUT UP," Sam slammed his bedroom door.

Dean picked up his own and Castiel's shirt and handed the right one to the dark-haired boy. Once they were dressed, Dean got up and brought back two glasses of cold water. Castiel nodded his thanks and gulped down the entire glass.

"That bad, eh?"

"You have no idea…"

Dean laughed under his breath and sat closer to Castiel. He wrapped an arm around Castiel's shoulder and pulled the other boy as close as he could get. Another yawn caused Castiel's eyes to water and Dean leaned down to look at him.

"You tired?" Castiel nodded.

"Yeah, it is pretty late." They got up, Dean shutting off the TV and followed him to his own bedroom.

Castiel pulled back the bedsheets on Dean's bed and was about to crawl in, but stopped at the last second, Dean was standing in the doorway. He raised an eyebrow at the him.

"I'm better enough to sleep on the floor, so if you want your bed back-"

"No, you can still use it." Dean walked around to the other side and started to lay down a sheet and pillow on the floor, but Castiel stopped him.

"We could, uhh… share? I don't think the floor can be _that_ comfortable."

"You sure?" Dean stopped his joy from showing on his face until he was sure that they were both 100% okay with this.

"Yeah, I'm sure." Castiel said.

Dean pulled back the blankets back on the side he was at and they crawled underneath together. There was quite a lot of shifting around as both boys got comfortable. It has been a while since Castiel shared a bed with anyone. The last person was his brother Lucifer, when he had a nightmare. It broke Castiel's heart to think about it, so he turned over to Dean to distract him.

Dean must have seen something on Castiel's face because he - without hesitating - wrapped the other boy in his arms. Dean hummed quietly, Castiel couldn't hear it, but he felt the rumble in his chest. A little bit after that Castiel was sleeping, fingers curled around a fistfull of Dean's shirt.

* * *

 **How'd you like the making out?**


	12. Chapter 12

**The scene towards the end touches a bit more on Castiel starving himself, I just wanted to give you a warning.**

* * *

 **Dean /**

Dean peeled his eyes open a few hours later to the sound of Castiel mumbling in his sleep. And there he was - head still on Dean's chest, eyes tightly closed, mumbled incoherently in his sleep. Dean thought it was adorable.

"Dean," Castiel whispered, Dean thought he was awake he said it so clearly, but he wasn't.

"I'm here, baby." Dean mumbled into his dark hair. "I'm not leaving anytime soon, either."

 **~[[SPN]]~**

Dean and Castiel woke to Sam laughing at them.

"What the hell are you doing in here?" Dean asked, his voice groggy from sleep. Castiel sat up and rubbed at his eyes. Dean thought his bed hair was cute.

"I just came to wake you up, and saw the cute couple cuddling. How cute!" Sam said the last thing as high pitched as he could. Dean attempted to throw a pillow at him, but he dodged and ran out of the room.

"Don't listen to him, he's just an annoying little brother."

"I know, it's fine." Castiel stood up and wobbled on his feet for a moment before standing straight up once more.

"Okay, I'm starving. Let's go eat!" Dean said.

Castiel flinched and turned his back to Dean and walked to go put on a new change of Dean's clothes to wear.

"Cas, c'mon."

"I'm not hungry, Dean." Castiel's voice was shaky.

Dean sighed and walked over to the other boy. He wrapped his arms around his waist and put his lips next to his ears. "I let you go for two days, but I need you to eat something, now. Okay? Please. I hate doing this to you, but I'm not going to let you do this to yourself."

"I c-can't," Castiel whispered as his eyes teared up.

"You can, because I'll help you. Okay? You can get pass this." Dean kissed the tip of his ear and hugged him closer. Dean enjoyed the heat of the other boy across his chest, it felt good, it felt right.

"What can I eat?" Castiel finally whispered after a small silence.

"There's cereal, toast, I can make some eggs."

"Cereal's fine." Castiel turned around in Dean's arms, so that they were face-to-face.

Dean smiled at him, and pushed his lips to the other boy's. It was a quick, small kiss. But it was still something that made Dean's stomach flutter.

Once they got dressed, they walked into the kitchen and found Sam running around frantically. He was throwing this everywhere - Dean had to catch a flying boot so that it didn't hit Castiel in the face. "Careful!" Dean barked.

"Sorry, Cas. I just can't find the book that I borrowed for a friend. I told them, they'd get it today. And I don't have it!"

"Sam!" Dean said above his brother's panicked voice. "Calm down, it's still in your room."

Sam turned around and ran past them to his room, a few seconds later they heard a cheerful yell. "Thanks, Dean!"

Castiel walked over and sat at the kitchen table and sat down. He took a few deep breaths, he didn't know why he was freaking out so much. It was just eating, he knew how to do it. What was a the problem? He was afraid of throwing up.

"Here you are," Dean announced and set a bowl of _Frosted Flakes_ in front of Castiel. He stared at the think with a look of disgust on his face.

"Do you not like this cereal? We have others, I think."

"No, no. I like it, I just… don't want to eat."

Dean sat down next to him, with his own bowl. Dean took a spoonful and ate his bite, and Castiel still didn't. Dean took his hand.

"I don't think I can keep anything down," Castiel admitted.

"You don't know that, but you have to eat something." Dean squeezed his hand and then let go. Castiel looked back down and picked up his spoon.

"Dean, we don't have time to eat! We have school, remember!" Sam walked over to his shoes and slipped them on.

"You go ahead, Sam. I'm going to be late." Dean called out without looking up.

"Just go, I'll finish this-"

"I'm stating until you eat something." Castiel didn't try to argue further.

Sam said his goodbyes and left. Dean stayed true to his word, he didn't leave with his younger brother. The school wasn't that far, Sam could jog there and still make it on time.

"Castiel, please eat something." Dean begged, he looked at Castiel directly.

Castiel picked up his spoon again, and scooped up two pieces of cereal. He went to lift it up to his mouth, but Dean stopped him.

"That's not a full bite, c'mon Cas." His voice was gently, and didn't scare Castiel in any way.

Castiel scooped more up, waited for Dean to nod his approval, and pushed it past his own lips. Dean smiled at his and watched him chew it and swallow carefully.

"Not that bad, is it?" Dean asked.

Castiel shook his head and waited a few moments before moving to take another bite. There was a moment of silence and then Castiel's stomach growled really loud. Dean laughed at the sound, and soon Castiel himself joined in.

"I guess I am a lot hungrier than I though," Castiel said.

Dean laughed again and finished his own breakfast with Castiel. When they were done, Dean finished getting ready in the bathroom, Castiel waited for him in the bedroom.

Dean got out of his quick shower and got dressed, only to find Castiel fully dressed with his textbooks all ready. Dean walked over to him and questioned what he was doing.

"I need to go to school sometime, right?"

"It doesn't have to be today," Dean said. Castiel shrugged. Dean let it go, this was his choice.

 **~[[SPN]]~**

"I can take you home, if you want Cas." They sat in the Impala. In front of the school. Castiel suddenly got terrified to go in, as if the rest of his courage burnt up.

"No, let's do this." They got out.

"So, do you want other people to know about… us?" Dean asked.

"Do you?" Castiel turned to Dean. "I don't really know what 'us' is."

Dean stood back and took a moment or two to study Castiel's face. His dark hair, crystal blue eyes, and small mouth. Dean thought he was hot, he really was, but Dean didn't know how to come out and say it.

He didn't know how to tell Castiel how he felt, he's always struggled with his emotions. He would much rather just show Castiel how he felt, it was easy that way. Dean was really, really, fond of Castiel.

The past two weeks that Castiel had been staying with the Winchesters has been the best for Dean. He hated the fact that somebody hurt him, but he loved taking care of him. Kissing him, he loved that as well. Holding him, watching his sleep and mumble his name, Dean sure as hell loves that too. He loved everything _about_ Castiel.

But he still wasn't sure if he _loves_ Castiel.

It was definitely possible, Dean was positive about that. But right now was too soon.

"Castiel Novak," Dean said. "Would you like to go out to dinner with me, this Saturday?"

Castiel froze for a second, thinking of a response. Dean let him think, and grabbed his hand. Dean played with Castiel's fingers as he waited.

"I would love too," Castiel smiled.

Dean leaned in and kissed Castiel on the lips. Castiel jumped completely back and made a startled sound. He looked around and saw a few people in the windows. If anyone was looking outside, they saw what just happened.

"You now, somebody could have seen that?" Castiel asked Dean.

"Let them watch." Dean leaned in and kissed Castiel again. This time it was more than a peck on the lips but not a gross, slobbery kiss either.

"You want people to know then?" Castiel asked when they pulled away.

"I want them to know that I'm taken, yes." He grabbed Castiel's hand more firmly and they walked inside.

* * *

 **Ahh, yes... another cute scene. You're welcome.**


	13. Chapter 13

**This first scene has been my favorite to write so far.**

* * *

 **Dean /**

"You didn't tell me you are dating! I mean, I wondered all along why you cared _so_ much about him. It was so beyond friends. I should have seen it, I mean _I should have seen it!_ " Dean flinched when her voice rose higher and higher.

He was sitting at the cafeteria, with Cas, when all of a sudden everyone heard a scream and this red head came running out of nowhere. She screamed something about them being her _OTP_ when she got close enough to sit down.

"Why should you have seen it?" Castiel asked. He was sitting across from Dean, and Charlie to his right.

"Because I'm gay, and it is my responsibility to scout out other gays and befriend them against their will," she announced.

Castiel laughed and Dean shrugged and continued eating his food. Him and Castiel were sharing a lunch, more like Dean was eating and Castiel kept picking pieces off and shoving them in his mouth.

"So we just made a new friend then, Cas. Is that what I'm hearing?" Dean joked.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"How are you, anyway?" Charlie asked Castiel. "I mean, the last time I saw you, you were in pretty rough shape."

Dean looked at Castiel, waiting for his reaction but could only see his face bruised and bloodied as it had been. _After a while of beating Crowley up, he heard Charlie yelling at him. He dropped the bully in his arms and turned to see Charlie with tears streaming down her face._

 _His hand hurt like hell, it was probably broken. He just shook it off and crouched down next to Castiel. His breathing was low and shallow, his face was covered in mud and his own blood. He had a giant cut across his chest, he must have landed on a rock or shard of glass._

" _Castiel," he said. It didn't look like he was going to wake up anytime soon._

" _I'll call 911!" Charlie said, Dean smacked the phone from her hand._

 _She looked up at him, confused. "He wouldn't want the police involved. I'll take him to my place, I just need you to keep quiet about this. Can you do that?"_

" _Keep quiet? He could die!"_

" _He's not going to die, not on my watch!" Dean said. And repeated his question, "Can you do that?" She nodded._

" _I also need you to calm down and do something for me. Can you do something else?" He knew she was on the verge of a full on panic. Maybe getting her away from Castiel and get her distracted will help her slow down._

" _What is it?" She scrubbed at her eyes, smearing her makeup slightly._

" _I need you to go get my car - its a '67 Chevy Impala - and park it in front of the alley. Okay?"_

 _She nodded and sniffed, wiping the rest of her tears away. He fished around in his pocket and pulled out the keys. He handed them to her and she ran down the alleyway. He trusted her, and besides, he didn't really have any other option - it wasn't like he could just leave Castiel here to get his car._

" _Oh God, Castiel. You better not die on me," Dean said, turning back to the body on the ground. He stroked the hair out of his face, and pinched his nose to stop the bleeding._

 _Dean pulled back his head and blood dripped from his lip. A dry sob erupted from his lips and in the distance he could here his baby's engine come to life. He waited for Charlie to pull up, and he gently picked up Castiel's limp body._

" _Here we go, buddy. You're gonna make it." Dean grunted as he lowered him into the back seat. He had Castiel's blood down the front of him, a sticky wet feeling. He felt like he was going to be sick._

" _Thank you, you've been a big help. I'll let you know if he makes it." Dean said to Charlie, her eyes never left the blood on his shirt. He didn't blame her, he was probably a sight to see._

 _She nodded. "Now," Dean continued. "Go home, get cleaned up. And_ don't tell anybody. _Okay, for his sake, not mine." She nodded again._

"Yeah, well. I'm thankful you guys were there." Castiel's voice pulls Dean back to the present. He nodded, not really hearing what he said.

"You okay?" Castiel asked, looking at Dean.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking, I guess." Dean smiled.

They were interrupted by Dean's friends, Anna, Benny, and Kevin walking over to their table and asking if Castiel was okay. He said that he was.

"Hi," Dean waved.

"Mind if we sit?" Kevin asked.

"Sure," Castiel answered before Dean could open his mouth.

They all crowded around the small table and they got into a conversation. Castiel sat between Anna and Kevin, he looked over at Dean with fear in his eyes. He knew how he didn't like other people in his personal space - it wasn't that they were so close, it just made him uncomfortable to be near anyone.

Dean leaned across the table and took Castiel's hand, he entwined their fingers and smiled at the other boy, his attempt to take his fear off his mind. It only made it worst, everyone at the table stopped talking and stared at their hands.

"What?" Dean asked defensively.

"Dammit, I owe Charlie ten bucks now," Benny said.

"Because her OTP got together," Anna tried to fill in.

"What the hell is an OTP?" Dean asked, still not letting go of Castiel's hand.

" _One True Pairing_ , dumbass," Charlie jokes, causing everyone but Castiel or Dean to laugh.

The conversation resumes and Dean is able to comfort Castiel enough by stroking his knuckles with his thumb to get him to join in on the subject they were talking about.

When the bell rings, and Castiel heads off to his next class - another one without Dean - Charlie grabs Dean's wrist and drags him away. Right into the opposite bathroom.

"This is the girls' bathroom," Dean complained.

"Shut up. Now, tell me. How did it happen?" Charlie commanded, Anna walked in right after them.

"How did what-"

"You and Castiel getting together, stupid!" She practically yelled.

"Why do you care?"

She looked like she was about to strangle Dean, Anna jumped in before any damage was done. "Because she does, now spill the details."

"I don't know, it just kind of happened. He's been sleeping on my bed for the last two weeks-"

"Do you guys share a bed?" Charlie squealed.

"No," he lied. "And we just kind of kissed. And before you asked, he kissed me first, and then I kissed him. And we just kind of talked about it and now…"

"Do you love him?" Anna asked.

Dean looked down, he didn't know what to answer with. "I don't know," he settled on.

"You should figure it out. And let him know," Anna snapped. Dean looked at her with a confused expression.

"I just don't want to see anyone get hurt."

"Me neither," Dean admitted.

* * *

 **The girls are onto him.**


	14. Chapter 14

**So, they're first date! I know in a previous chapter, Dean already asked Castiel to dinner, they just never got the chance to.**

* * *

 **Castiel /**

Castiel felt giddy. Like he was high or something, but it was different from using drugs - his parents had forced him once the previous year. It was even lighter, a better feeling. Castiel smiled as he thought about what caused it.

Dean making him feel safe.

At lunch that day, he was close to a full-blown panic attack, but then there was his boyfriend, able to pull him back by just _holding_ his hand.

And now the feeling of being safe was back, as he tightened his grip on Dean's fingers. They were heading back to the Impala to go home. Sam was leaning against the hood when they got there. When he noticed his brother and friend, he smiled at their entwined hands.

They broke apart to get into the car. The ride was filled with Sam telling the older two boys about his day. He met this girl; Jessica was her name. Dean teased his little brother about having a crush.

"Cas, hold up," Dean said. Castiel froze with his hand on the door handle.

Dean scratched the back of his head, "So uhh… I was wondering, if you wanted to-"

"Is Dean Winchester asking me on a date?" Castiel couldn't help but mock, placing a hand on his chest and gasping loudly.

Dean laughed, "Trying to, yeah…"

"I don't care where we go, but yes." Castiel smiled wholeheartedly at his boyfriend.

"Even if I took you to the worst place ever, possible make you eat food that will give you food poisoning?"

"You are the one taking care of me, so it'd be your mess to clean up," Castiel teased.

Dean laughed and nodded. He started the car back up, "Okay then."

 **Dean /**

"Where do you want to go?" Dean looked over at Castiel, he was fiddling with a piece of string still attached to the hem of his shirt.

"You don't have anything planned?" he asked without looking up.

He's nervous all of a sudden. HIs finger still spinning the piece of string around his finger. Dean smiled, "Nope. I'm still surprised you agreed to this."

The corner of Castiel's mouth turned up, he looked out his window. So far Dean has only drove back to town. He really didn't know where to go, he had an idea, but he left the option opened to Castiel.

"So, I know this is probably childish," Dean started, he kept his eyes on the road. "But how do you feel about Laser Tag?"

"I've never played," Castiel whispered.

Dean bite his lip angrily, he pulled onto the side of the road. He completely shut the car off and turned his upper body towards Castiel. The rush of anger was already gone, he was mad at Castiel, he was just angry. The other boy looked up surprised, completely forgetting the piece of string.

"What's wrong?" Dean asked before Castiel could open his mouth to ask why they stopped.

"What do you mean-"

"I mean, you suddenly shut down. What's going on? You can tell me, y'know," Dean leaned forward and smirked. Castiel's next breath shuddered its way out, making Dean's smirk grow into a full smile.

"I'm just nervous, I've..uhh…" he paused and looked away. Dean nudged him with his hand- an encouragement to keep going - he took a deep breath and continued, "I've never been on an actual date before. So I don't know what to do, really."

"Really?"

"Really," he confirmed.

"Well," Dean took a minute to think about what he was going to say after that. "Don't think of it as a date, think of it as two _friends_ -" he held up a finger to stop Castiel before he got the words past his open mouth, "-that we ultimately end up making out before the night's over."

He got Castiel to laugh at that. "So, not date?"

"Not date, hmmm…" Castiel leaned forward and captured Dean's lips with his own. It was quick, and Dean and to stop the whine rising in his throat when Castiel pulled away. "Going on a not date, with my boyfriend. Okay."

The word boyfriend shot a thrill down Dean's spine, like he was doing something bad or excited, something that would get in trouble. He loved it.

"Okay, Laser Tag? I know it's cliche, but…"

"Never played, but okay."

Dean smiled, "There seemed to be a lot you haven't done yet, Castiel Novak." His name fell from Dean's lips easily. "We'll have to change that."

 **~[[SPN]]~**

They got food first. Well, Dean ate a burger and Castiel took a few of his fries. He ate something at least, Dean was okay with that. Once they got to the building to play, Castiel was laughing at all of Dean's jokes and acting like his happy-self.

"You know how to shoot?" The instructor asked them as they got their protective padding on. It was a thin vest that lit up. Dean's was blue, Castiel's green. Once you were hit, it flashed red until you hit the reset button.

"Just pull the trigger?" The guns were connected to their vest.

"Yup, you're good." He opened the door to the dark maze. They were playing alone, Dean's idea.

"Follow, the two tunnels, it will lead you to opposite sides of the room. Have fun," he said with fake cheer.

Dean nodded and him and Castiel parted ways. Dean was ready to beat Castiel, he's only played one time with Sam a few years ago, and they had a blast.

"You ready!?" Castiel yelled, Dean confirmed and they started.

Dean ran along the dark wall, keeping one hand out to help guide his way. He could hear Castiel running a few walls over. Dean grinned as he followed the noise, decreasing the distance between them.

Castiel must have accidently shot his gun, because a beam of light shot into the air and Dean heard Castiel gasp.

And then, as if he'd disappeared, all noises Castiel made were gone. Dean looked around, even though he could barely see in the low light. He thought about calling out the other boy's name, but he hesitated.

Dean felt hands around his hips and he was being pressed against the wall. Castiel was suddenly grinning in his face. Dean felt his lips on his neck, trailing down his throat, sucking on his adam's apple.

"Cas, what the hell?" Dean groaned around Castiel's lips that suddenly covered his own.

Dean grabbed at Castiel's waist and tugged him closer, his gun forgotten. Just before he could get his tongue in between Castiel's lips, the other boy stepped back. He held up his gun and shot once at Dean's chest. His vest lit up and Castiel laughed.

"I thought you've done this before?" Castiel asked innocently.

"Oh, you son of a-" Castiel took off.

Dean reset his vest, the red flashing returning to a low blue. He ran down the way the sneaky bastard had before. They were both smiling as they ran. Soon Castiel grew tired, but he could still hear Dean on his tail.

Castiel ducked around the corner, but Dean had seen him. Dean won that round.

After a few more rounds, and Dean laying on the ground panting hard. The last round Castiel ran from hiding spot to hiding spot and caught Dean with his back turned. The score was up in Castiel's favor. Dean contemplating trying another match and tying up the score.

But Dean's phone rang in his pocket and it was his little brother.

"Yes?" Dean panted.

"Dude, what have you two been doing?"

"Laser Tag, Cas is better than I thought he'd be," Dean laughed.

"Anyway, do you know what time it is? No, its dinner time, and I'm hunger. And because I can't cook, get over here and make something!"

"Pushy, I'll bring something home." He hung up.

Castiel walked up to Dean lying on the floor, he looked down at him and smiled. Dean really wanted to kick his butt, but he didn't think he could take anymore running. Dean was a lot more out of shape than he thought he was.

"Let's go home," Dean said, Castiel helped him up.

Dean leaned over and kissed Castiel on the mouth. He rubbed his hand across the other boy's back. Dean smiled as they walked out and returned their vests.

Castiel's back felt different. Dean realized he could no longer feel his ribs the way he could before. He wasn't as skinny and frail either. Without Dean realizing it before, Castiel had gain some of his weight back.

Dean smiled earnestly. He's helping put Castiel back together. One small piece at a time. But it was working.

* * *

 **I have a confession: I've never played Laser Tag, so I have no idea who it actually works. I'm sorry if I was off.**


	15. Chapter 15

**A really long chapter. And really, really weak smut at the end. Just warning you!**

* * *

 **Castiel /**

Two days later and Castiel was feeling close to 100%. It's been three and a half weeks since the "accident." Him, Dean, and Sam were heading home after school. Castiel sat upfront with Dean, his eyes followed the line of the sidewalk that traveled along the road.

"Dean stop here," Castiel wasn't sure if Dean had heard him or not, but the Impala came to a quick stop, josling them all forward.

"What the hell man?" Dean yelled. Castiel knew he only yelled because he had scared the poor driver. Castiel wanted to apologize, but he could only stare.

"Could you pull to the side, so we aren't stopping traffic," Castiel's voice was eerily even.

"What is it?" Dean asked, but still parked the car next to the curb.

Castiel opened the passenger door and stepped out, he heard Dean do exactly the same. "It's fine," Castiel said. "You can go home."

"What the hell are you doing?" Sam asked still inside.

"This is my house, and my parents are home," he stated. Castiel started walking up to the front door.

"Cas!" Dean yelled. He slammed his door shut and ran after the dark-haired boy.

"Dean, go home. It's fine."

Dean grabbed Castiel's shoulders and turned him around to look in the eye. "Man, you're scaring me. Why are you acting like this?"

"Because I can't remember the last time I've seen my parents in the same room together."

Dean nodded and took a step back. He clenched his jaw. "Okay, then I'm coming in with you."

"No, this is my business."

"I don't care," Castiel didn't have time to argue. Someone was opening the front door behind him.

"Oh, my God!" His mom screeched. "My baby!"

Castiel was surprised and turned around numbly. His mom came running down the front steps and attacked him in a nearly-bone crushing hug. She had tears trailing down her face and she was sobbing into his shoulder.

Dean took a few steps back.

"Where have you been? What did you do to him!?" He dad screamed, turning to Dean.

His mom stepped back and saw the bruises on his face and peeking up from the collar of his shirt. _Dean's_ shirt, actually.

"Oh, my baby. Who did this to you?"

"Was it you?!" His father roared at Dean. Dean cowered, actually cowered at Castiel's father's voice. He parted his lips to say something, but nothing came out. Sam started out of the Impala.

"Dad, dad. He didn't do this!" Castiel stepped between his father and boyfriend.

"He didn't?" Castiel and Dean shook their heads no.

"Come inside, Castiel. Tell your friend to go home. We have to talk to you," His mother said. He could tell that she didn't trust Dean.

To them, their son just got back after almost four weeks of being gone, all bruised up with some stranger. They have a right to not trust Dean, but why did they all of a sudden care?

They have not cared a little bit for him in almost two years, why start now?

"Dean, please go home. I can deal with this."

"Cas," Dean begged. Castiel knew he didn't want to leave, that much was obvious.

"Go," Castiel said, and smiled at Dean.

Dean walked back to his car with a shocked expression. Castiel stood outside and watched until the Impala pulled away.

~[[SPN]]~

Castiel sat down at the dirty kitchen table. The house was trashed, a surprisingly comforting thing. The house was always trashed.

"What have you been doing? Where have you been? And who hurt you?" His mother asked him.

"I was attacked, actually. In an alley," his voice was shockingly even. "And Dean Winchester saved me, I guess. So I've been getting better and staying with him."

"Why didn't you come home? We were so worried."

"I d-didn't know you were home. You usually aren't." His parents didn't even look guilty. Castiel's stomach churned.

"Well, you can come back now. Besides, the house needs to be cleaned," his father said. "That will be your punishment for not coming home for two days."

" _Two days?"_

"Yeah, that's how long you were gone," his mother looked at him as if he were stupid. "That's when we noticed at least."

Castiel pieced it together now. They didn't care for him, they were putting on a show. A damn near good one too.

"I've been gone for four weeks!" Castiel stood up and yelled. He felt light-headed and dizzy. He hasn't eaten today.

"No you haven't," his mom tried to argue. She was still trying to sound like a good mother.

"I knew you two wouldn't fucking notice!" Tears sprang into his eyes, he wiped at his eyes angrily.

"Don't you swear in this house, boy." His dad threatened.

"What are you going to do? Neglect me? News flash, you already do that!"

His mother has started crying once more, and he felt like he was going to throw up. HIs father's face was red. He knew what came next.

"You're grounded, young man." Castiel laughed and rolled his eyes.

"To your room."

Castiel obeyed. He slammed the door though.

His tears were coming quicker now. He was so stupid, stupid, stupid. He actually believed for one fucking second that they cared about their son. He thought they had changed and gotten better, he should have known better.

A sob tore from his throat.

There was a sound of something scraping against his door alerted him. He walked over and tried to open the door, he could twist the knob, but couldn't push the door open. He pounded against the door. "What the hell?!" he yelled.

"Try getting out, you little brat. Next time don't talk back to your parents." His father's voice.

"No, no!" Castiel tried pounding on the door some more, but no one answered him.

He was stuck. With no food, no water. His parents would probably let him out the next day sometime. And that usually would be okay - they've done this before. But he hasn't eaten anything in over 24 hours, so he knew the next few hours would be painful.

This room had one window, two high for him to jump out of and safely land on the ground. And because Azazel had broken his phone, he didn't have anyway of contacting Dean or anyone.

He sighed and curled under the covers of his bed. Tears fell from his cheeks onto the pillow.

 **Dean /**

"Who were those people, Dean? His parents?" Sam asked from the back seat.

"Yeah," Dean said. "Cas looked scared. And that wasn't normal behavior for them. They didn't care for their son."

"So what are you going to do?" Sam wanted to help his big brother.

"If he isn't at school tomorrow, we're getting him out of there." It wasn't a plan or a threat, it was a promise.

 **~[[SPN]]~**

Castiel wasn't there, just as Dean had suspicion that he wouldn't be. Dean already knew what his plan was going to be.

It had been a little past ten o'clock when he left his house, after he's convinced Sam to go to bed. He got into the Impala and drove to Castiel's house. The cars that were there before were gone. And one light was still on, a room towards the end of the trailer. That must be Castiel's room.

Dean walked up to the front door, it was locked. He circled around to the window that was lit up. It was a window that was well above his head, he could see why Castiel probably wouldn't have wanted to jump from it.

"Cas!" he whispered yell. No answer.

He made sure the backpack he brought was on his back good enough and he jumped. His fingers found the window sill and he pulled himself up. The first try he fell, and the second attempt. So he stacked up a lawn chair he found and tried again.

He made it so he was just barely sitting on the small window sill. It was definitely not big enough for somebody to _sit_ on.

"C'mon," he grunted and he pulled on the window. Thankfully, it was unlocked.

He opened it and threw his bag in, it got rid of some of the weight. And then he ducked in.

"Dean?" Castiel asked, he was laying on his bed.

"Yeah, it's me," he groaned. He landed on his hip hard. He smiled up at Castiel.

"How did you- the window is practically on the roof!"

"Yeah, well. I couldn't let you rot in here." Dean pulled himself up and walked to the boy laying on the bed.

Castiel jumped up and crushed his lips to Dean's. Dean made a surprised noise and kissed back, the weight of Castiel throwing him off and he toppled over. Well, he fell on Castiel really.

"Hi," Castiel whispered when he pulled away.

Dean couldn't help the smile from breaking across his face, "Hi."

Dean leaned in and kissed Castiel once more. This time more slowly, putting more passion behind it. It left them both breathless.

"M-my parents locked me in here." Castiel said. "I can't get, and I haven't eaten and-"

"I brought you something to eat, in case there was nothing in the house."

Castiel laughed as Dean sat up and retrieved his backpack. He pulled out a half-crushed sandwich and gave it to Castiel. It was a PBJ, his favorite.

Dean watched as Castiel ate the sandwich slowly, Dean sat at the foot of his bed and stroked his leg. When he was done, Dean threw out the wrapper in the trash next to the door.

While he was standing there, he grabbed the knob and tried to opened it. When that didn't work he threw his entire body into it, the frame creaked but it didn't budge.

"I'm not sure what's on the other side, but it's strong."

"Yeah," Dean agreed.

A second of silence passed, and then Dean returned to the bed and placed a hand on Castiel's thigh. Castiel's breath stuttered.

"Are you okay?" Dean asked, leaning closer.

"Yeah," Castiel murmured. Dean scooted closer, their foreheads rested on each other.

"You sure?" Dean asked.

"I'm sure that I am okay. How long are you staying?"

"As long as you want me."

Dean leaned forward and caught Castiel's lips with his own. Castiel's hands went to Dean's shoulder and hair, tugging older boy sighed loudly into Castiel's mouth. He felt Castiel smile as he realized that Dean liked his hair being pulled. Dean leaned more, pushing Castiel into the bed. A moan left Castiel's parted lips as Dean started to venture further.

"Dean…" His voice was breathless and sexy as hell.

Castiel pulled Dean on top of him, straddling his thighs. Dean bite into his flesh gently, causing a long moan to leave the dark-haired mouth. Dean moved back to Castiel's lips and licked inside of his mouth.

Dean jumped slightly at the feel of Castiel's hand suddenly under his shirt. Dean moaned the further Castiel's hand traveled. Dean sat up, he smirked at the boy beneath him. He tugged his own shirt off and trailed his hands down Castiel's torso. He loved the feeling of Castiel's hot skin, his hot breath on his own neck.

"You are so hot…" Castiel mumbled, and then looked up quickly as if he hadn't meant to say that.

Dean laughed, "Thank you."

Castiel's face heated up and Dean leaned down to whisper in his ear, "I think you look hot, too."

They laughed together. It sounded like music to Dean's ears. Dean leaned down and sucked on Castiel's Adam's apple. He felt Castiel's throat vibrate when he moaned his appreciation. The sound made Dean start to heat up down south.

"Cas, Cas.." Dean mumbled, pulling the other boy's hands from his hair. "If we don't slow down, then…"

"How about no?" Castiel said.

"No?"

"No. I'm ready if you are?" Castiel said, pulling from Dean's slackened grip and running his hands up the front of his chest, making him shiver.

"Are you-" he groaned when Castiel grabbed his nipple "-sure you want to do this?"

To answer him, Castiel grabbed his face and slammed their lips together, and wrapped his legs around Dean's. Their crotches collided and Dean felt just how badly he wanted it. Dean reached down and popped the button of Castiel's jeans open. Castiel did the same to him.

It was suddenly a race to get the rest of their clothes off. Dean rutted against the boy beneath him, causing the most delicious sounds to rise from his throat. God, Dean loved those sounds.

"Holy, fuck!" Castiel screamed when Dean finally grabbed him and started to pump.

Dean nipped at his ear and told him just how badly he wanted it. Castiel's fingers gripped the bedsheets tightly. His head was moving from side to side, moans rolled off his mouth. Dean took the time to lick the inside of his mouth again, their lips colliding over and over. They continued to roll around on the bed.

Dean loved every minute of it. Dear God, it was great! Castiel praised him loudly the harder he pounded into him. And afterwards, Castiel hugged Dean close. They were calming down, but Dean didn't let them fall asleep. They still had to leave before his parents got back.

* * *

 **So, the reason the ending was crap is because I don't own my own computer. So I was typing this on the computer in the familyroom. This meant just anyone could look over my should and read what I was typing, NO THANK YOU.**


	16. Chapter 16

**John is in this chapter!**

* * *

 **Dean /**

Dean thinks he's falling for Castiel.

Dean smiles and stares at his face fondly. They were basically in the middle of nowhere. Just on the outskirts of town, there was this corn field. They had just eaten dinner and started to drive around. Dean pulled into the field and just sat there.

"They're pretty," Castiel whispered, his head resting on Dean's shoulder.

They were sitting on the hood, leaning against the windshield. Dean had his right arm around Castiel's waist, and his left was entwined with Castiel's left in his lap. Dean turned his nose and buried it in Castiel's hair, he smelled like Dean's soap, and something sweeter. Maybe it was just Dean's imagination.

"What are?" Dean asked.

"The stars," Castiel's eyes glinted in the moonlight. Dean kissed the side of his face.

"They are," Dean agreed, his eyes glanced at the constellations.

They drifted into a comfortable silence, listening to the sound of each other's breathing and enjoying the warmth. The silence, Dean thought, is the most beautiful and ugliest thing there is. But right now, he was happy. He was whole, and grateful for the boy in his arms. He wouldn't change it for the world.

Castiel's parents hadn't been home the last couple days. Dean got pissed and got Castiel to bring his stuff to the Winchester's residence. Their dad was gone, so they had an extra room. For Castiel's stuff, he usually slept in the same bed as Dean.

Dean looked down to the faint red marks still visible on Castiel's neck and smirked. Sam had known what happened as soon as they got home that night, and yelled at them for scaring him. Dean laughed at his younger brother. Everything was perfect, Sam accepted it and they were all happy.

"Dean," Castiel's whispery voice pulled him back to the present.

"Hmm?" Dean looked at Castiel's eyes.

"You aren't even looking at the sky."

"No, I'm not." Dean brought his hand up and traced the marks on his neck, deepening his blush. He cupped his boyfriend's face and kissed him slowly, passionately.

"I'm happy with you, Cas." Dean whispered once he pulled away. They didn't have to whisper, even if they yelled nobody was going to hear them. But what Dean was trying to say, he knew his voice was going to break if he talked normally.

"I'm happy with you, too." Castiel grabbed Dean's hand again. Castiel had a thing for holding hands, he always had to be holding Dean's hand or have his hand on Dean. As if he were constantly reminding himself that Dean was real.

Dean nodded and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. He couldn't seem to get out what he wanted to say, he tried again. "I enjoy having you around, I don't want you to ever leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere, Dean." Castiel looked at him seriously. "I know what it's like to feel left out, so I'm not going to leave you."

"I believe you," Dean gave up for now and kissed him.

 **~[[SPN]]~**

Eventually they got off the hood and headed back home. The drive consisted of them singing along with whatever was on the radio. Dean got Castiel to actually sing, he was nervous and was beat red, but he still sung with Dean.

Sam met them outside, before they even got out of the car.

"What's up, Sammy?"

"Dad's here." Sam looked scared.

"What?" Dean immediately jumped up and started looking at Sam, checking for any marks or bruises.

"He hasn't done anything to me, but he's angry because your stuff is here," he was talking to Castiel.

Castiel's eyes widened and he sort of shuddered in fear. Dean knew he was terrified now, he walked over to him. "You are fine, we can just say you are spending the night. It's fine, you are going to be okay."

"Okay," he mumbled, looking dazed. Dean wondered if he was going to have some sort of anxiety attack.

Dean lead them to the front door. He leaned back to Castiel and whispered in his ear, "We aren't together in front of my dad, okay? You understand?"

He probably wasn't helping, but he couldn't risk it in front of John.

Dean opened the door and walked in, already seeing John in his bedroom. The door was open and John was picking through some of Castiel's stuff.

"Hey Dad," Dean called out.

"Dean, come here," he ordered without turning around to see his son.

Dean gestured for Sam and Castiel to stay back, he walked into the bedroom. "Yes Dad."

John wasn't abusive. He only hit his kids if they needed to be punished. But his sons were both still scared of him. Dean was scared of disappointing him, of letting him down. So every insult John threw at him was like a blow to the chest.

"Who's stuff is this? Is it yours?" John wasn't really "digging" through it, Castiel had left it all over Dean's bed this morning. It was just clothes and stuff like deodorant and body spray. Things that Dean could pull off like they were his.

He rather not have lie to John, "They are a friend's. Cas's."

"Whose Cas?" John turned around then, and looked passed Dean.

Dean flinched as John's eyes narrowed. "That must be Cas," he walked out of the room and up to where Sam and Castiel still stood.

"Yeah," Castiel swallowed nervously.

In that instant, Castiel looked so frail to Dean. He couldn't tell if he was shaking or not, but he could see the line of sweat on his brow. He looked even more skinnier than what he actually was, Dean wanted to stand between his father and Castiel, even though he was almost sure John wasn't going to do anything.

"Okay. nice to meet you." John walked passed them all and headed to the kitchen. He pulled a bottle of water from the fridge and took a few swigs.

Dean saw Castiel sigh in relief. Dean stepped next to him, but didn't touch him in anyway.

"How is your work, Dad?" Sam asked, changing the subject.

"It's fine, actually, that's why I came home. I need to talk to you boys." Sam gestured for him to continue. "I got another job, one that pays a little more. It's the next town over. Now, I can stay in a motel there - it's going to be a few weeks to complete - or we can move again?"

The boys hesitated, Castiel looked at Dean. As if asking him if he was considering moving away.

"No, I like it here. We've been here a few years, let's stay." Dean tried to sound as convincing as he could.

"Okay. You know I hate moving you boys around." John dug around the fridge for something to eat.

"Thank you," Dean said sincerely. He moved around in the cramped kitchen and prepared to make tonight's dinner. Dean loved cooking when his dad was home, because cooking was something he did right, and John almost always complimented him.

After dinner was over, John left. Which didn't surprised Sam or Dean.

"Did he ever drop by like that when I was staying here, before?" Castiel asked and watched as John pulled away in his truck.

"Yeah, once." Sam answered.

"He usually doesn't go in our bedrooms, I must have left the door open or something." Dean said, they all sat on the couch and had the TV on. They all enjoyed the rest of the evening together. They played a board game and then went to bed, Castiel curled into Dean's side.

Dean watched as Castiel tried to keep their whispered conversation going, but he was falling asleep. Castiel laughed at something Dean said, but almost no sound came from his mouth has his eyes drooped close and his head rested on Dean's shoulder.

"You can sleep," Dean whispered. Castiel's breathing evened out and he started to lightly snore.

As he watched the other man sleep, Dean Winchester was struck by how hopelessly in love with Castiel Novak he was.

* * *

 **He finally realized that he and Castiel are meant to be husbands.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Here's the next chapter... good luck.**

* * *

 **Castiel /**

 _Where was Dean now?_ Castiel asked himself as he wiped a tear from his cheek.

Sitting on the nasty floor of the boy's bathroom crying his eyes out is something he didn't plan to do today on the way to school. It was the middle of his third hour, and he had to escape.

It was Alistair, of course, one of Crowley's minions. He'd cornered Castiel beginning of this hour and thrown insults in his face. Hurtful insults about his parents being druggies and their son following in their footsteps.

He didn't try to deny it, he knew it'd be pointless. He just took the blows quietly and escape to the bathroom after Alistair left. He's been there since.

This isn't really an escape, he needs to leave this building. His face hurt, his lip was bleeding and he was just physically and mentally tired. He was done with this place.

He wanted to go home.

Castiel picked himself up off the ground just as someone was walking in - Sam. Castiel had startled the boy, and Sam immediately started asking questions.

"Jesus, Cas. Who did this to you? Was it Crowley again? Should I call Dean-"

"No! I mean, I'll be fine. I will. I'm just gonna go…" Castiel shook off Sam's hands from his arms and walked out. Sam didn't follow him.

Castiel didn't want to go back to the Winchester's house. That wasn't his home, not really. It was where he felt safest, but it wasn't where he was suppose to be living. Besides, it was too far to walk and he wasn't about to ask Dean for his car's keys.

The building didn't look any different from the outside. Just like the last time he was here, when him and Dean were crawling back out of his bedroom window after that night…

Castiel walked through the unlocked front door, his worry flared up. He walked through the kitchen and living room and stood by the two bedroom doors. He didn't hear anything, so maybe his parents weren't home. They often forgot to lock the door on their way out.

Castiel went into his own room and sat on the bed. The sheets and blankets felt the same underneath his fingertips. Nothing was moved in here, except there was a folded piece of paper on his bedside table.

 _I know I didn't show it baby, but I love you. I just want you to know that._

 _-Mom_

Castiel's throat dries instantly. His mother never left him this kind of note before, something was terrible wrong. Slowly, as if he didn't want to disturb anything else, he got to his feet and walked out of the bedroom. Carefully, he slid his parents' door open.

Castiel thought it'd be a good time to scream or cry, maybe both. But he made no sound, his face frozen in shock.

His mother was hanging from the ceiling fan. Dead.

"Mom.. Mommy?" Castiel whimpered helplessly.

No doubt about it, he loved his mother. He really loved his parents, because they were his parents. Because before Gabriel had been killed, they acted like his parents. And because they use to care for him, his brother's death affected them too.

Then came the tears, and the gross sobs. His knees couldn't carry his weight, and he fell. Almost unhuman noises were coming from his lips, his body wracked with powerful sobs.

Castiel understood why she did it, all of their lives sucked. Castiel himself has thought about taking his own life from time to time, before he met Dean. His mom had nothing but a husband that cheated on her - even though she cheated on him as well - and two sons that barely cared, one no one knew where he was. And the third one was dead.

So Castiel understood why she killed herself.

Castiel loss some time, maybe he passed out. But he woke to a ringing sound. The sight of his mother - still swaying slightly back and forth - shocked him all over again. Part of him thought it had been a dream.

The ringing was her cellphone. It was on the bed below her. Castiel watched as the screen died and the ringing stopped. Whoever called didn't leave a message.

Castiel thought about calling Dean. He needed to call somebody, he needed somebody to get his mother's fucking corpse down from the ceiling.

He dialed 911 instead.

He couldn't talk loudly, he wasn't sure if the operator heard his whispers. The call was short and he hung up quickly. Again, the thought of calling Dean occurred to him, but he didn't want Dean here. Sure, he needed somebody here to help him deal with this, but he'd already pulled Dean in enough of his crap.

He needed to be with someone who shared his pain, not someone who would just pity him. He needed his eldest brother.

He had to contact Lucifer.

 **Dean /**

Sam found Dean at the end of his third hour. Dean knew something was wrong, Sam never sought out Dean, their paths rarely crossed.

"What is it?" Dean instantly asked. Sam was going to be late for his next class, so it must've been important.

"It's Cas-" he immediately had Dean's full attention "-I found him a little bit ago in the bathroom. Crying. I don't know what happened, he just said he had to go."

"Okay, head to class. He's in my next hour, if he's not there I'll go look for him. I'll be here to pick you up at the end of the day still." Sam nodded and ran off.

Castiel wasn't there when the bell rang. Dean excused himself to the bathrooms - claiming it was an emergency - and started to look for Castiel.

He checked the bathrooms. Not there. He checked out in the parking lot, nothing. He even looked over by the tree they sat by at the edge of the school's property. He wasn't there. Dean started up the car and started driving back home.

He passed Castiel's parents' house. And stopped, knowing that's where Castiel was. There was two cops and an ambulance there. It had something to do with Castiel.

Dean saw him. He was talking to one of the cops and Dean watched as the paramedics wheeled someone in a bodybag out on a stretcher.

Panic set in, Dean walked into Castiel's vision. Castiel stepped from the officer and walked over to where Dean was standing. The taller boy didn't say anything - he saw the way he held his shoulder hunched in, his red, puffy eyes and his body was shaking. Dean knew he'd been crying - he just enveloped him in a hung. Castiel didn't cry anymore, he felt cold though.

It was a long time before Dean asked what happened, Castiel and moved to the side, but Dean still kept an arms wrapped around him. Dean leant down and whispered in his ear, "You don't have to explain what happened, I just need to know if you are alright."

"I'll be okay. It was my mom, she hung herself. I found her." His voice was eerily even. Dean didn't like how cold he sounded.

"You're right. You'll be okay."

Castiel nodded and pulled himself closer to Dean's warmth. Dean wondered how much Castiel could take.

First it was his eldest brother killing the other, then his parents' neglect, and now his mother's suicide. How much was too much?

Dean feared what Castiel would do when he reached the point where it was too much.

* * *

 **#sorry, not sorry**


	18. Chapter 18

**Here comes Luci!**

* * *

 **Castiel /**

Two hours after he found his mother's body, he was back at the Winchester's house, snuggling under a few blankets with Dean. They had a movie on, but neither of them were watching it. Castiel was being crushed by the grief of losing his mother, and Dean was making sure Castiel was as okay as he could be right now.

"I need your help," Castiel said. The first time either of them spoke in a while.

"With what?" Dean rubbed his shoulder idly.

"I need to help find someone, my brother actually." Castiel looked down and fiddled with his own fingers.

"We can try, umm. I need a name."

"Lucifer Novak."

"Okay, we'd have to go down to the library to use a computer." Dean asked if he wanted to go now, Castiel said sure.

Almost nobody was there when they got there, school was almost over though, so students would probably be arriving soon. Castiel reminded Dean he still had to pick up Sam.

They loaded up one of the search engines and simply typed in his full name. It took a little while, but they got a cellphone number, that Castiel wrote down. It had a picture of his brother.

Castiel couldn't help but stare. It was his brother, a few years older, but still him. Castiel's throat constricted when he tried to swallow. He missed his older brother, missed both of them. But he tried to hide it from Dean.

"I'll give him a call, go pick up Sam." Castiel said as they walked out of the library when they were done.

"You sure?" Dean asked while he passed over his own cellphone.

Castiel nodded and watched Dean drive away. He walked over to the sidewalk where he sat down on the ground. There wasn't many people out, it was kind of chilly with the strong wind that whipped his hair around his head.

He dialed the number he'd written down. It rung four times and somebody picked up, "Hello?"

It was his brother's voice. One he hasn't heard in so long. The last time he heard him shouting and screaming his lungs out. Castiel was crying in the other room, but still heard everything.

"Who is this?" Lucifer barked.

"I-its m-me," Castiel whispered. He cleared his throat and continued, "Castiel. Your brother."

"Cassie? How did you-" he cut himself off.

"I had a friend help me find your number. I hope you don't care, I just needed-"

"I don't care at all. Man, it's so good to hear from you. How are you? Where's mom and Dad, I thought they banned us from talking?"

"That's what I needed to tell you. Mom, sh-she's dead."

Silence.

And then, "Really? Uhh… How?"

"Killed herself."

"You find her?" His voice was low.

Castiel nodded before remembering he couldn't see it, "Yeah."

"That stupid, selfish son of a bitch!"

"Lucifer!" Castiel yelled into the phone. "She's dead!"

"She knew what that would do to you! She knew that you'd be able to find her! Who would want their child to find them dead?"

"Calm down," Castiel whispered. Lucifer had anger issues. It's what got Gabriel killed in the first place. Anger issues and alcohol.

"You're right. I'm sorry, Castiel. I didn't mean to yell."

Castiel took a deep breath, held it for a second and slowly released it. "It's okay."

 _He didn't see it. He only heard Gabriel's cries as Lucifer pounded his face in. Castiel knew his brother tried to fight back, but Lucifer was bigger and stronger._

 _Castiel was in his own bedroom, Lucifer and Gabriel in the livingroom. Their parents had yet to get home from work. Gabriel said something stupidly small that set Lucifer off._

 _Lucifer screamed at Gabriel, calling him so many things. Some Castiel had never even heard of. But Castiel was shaking uncontrollably. Gabriel's cries stopped, something heavy hit the floor._

" _Oh God, what did I do?" Lucifer asked._

 _Castiel walked out of his room, he saw a hole from Lucifer's fist next to his door. He walked down the hallway and saw Lucifer shaking Gabriel's shoulders. Although Gabriel wasn't responding, his face was bloody and discolored._

 _Castiel gasped at the sight. Lucifer's eyes snapped up to him. "Go back to your room!"_

 _Castiel was frozen where he stood. He couldn't drag his eyes from his brother's unmoving form. Their parents got home at that moment._

" _What did you do?!" His dad bellowed. Castiel had never heard his father raise his voice. Castiel whimpered slightly at the noise._

 _His father pulled Lucifer across the room and put an ear to Gabriel's chest. His mother grabbed Castiel and hugged him to her chest. Together they cried._

" _I'm sorry," Lucifer said. He was shaking harder than everyone else at that moment. "I-I didn't mean too. It was an accident?"_

" _Killing your brother was an accident?!" his father screamed again. Castiel flinched._

" _N-no. I just lost my temper. I hadn't meant to kill him." Castiel noticed Lucifer was crying._

"It's not okay, Castiel. I've gotten better. I can control my temper now," Castiel heard through the phone.

"Okay," Castiel said.

"Do you still live in that house?" Lucifer asked.

"Yes," Castiel felt numb.

"Do you want to see me, Cassie? I want to be there for mom's funeral, you are having one, right?"

"I don't know how to set one up."

"Isn't dad there? He can do it." Lucifer said.

How do you tell your older brother that your father is almost always too drugged up to focus. Let alone, plan a funeral for your dead mother.

"No, I don't think he'll be able to do anything."

"I can help you, do you want me too?"

Castiel didn't even hesitate, "Yes. I want to see you again Luci. I miss you."

"I miss you, too, Buddy. I'll be there as quick as I can."

"Okay," Castiel said again. He didn't know what else to say. Lucifer hung up, Castiel closed the phone and held it with two hands. He didn't cry, he didn't shake, he didn't do anything.

He just sat there.

And that's how Dean found him.

* * *

 **Man, I have been wanting to actually write that scene since I thought of the plot of this fic. I'm so happy its done.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Warning- semi-smut in the beginning. And more poor Sammy.**

* * *

 **Dean /**

Dean was seriously starting to worry about Castiel.

It was that night that Dean asked Castiel how he was. And didn't take any bullshit answer.

"I'm honestly fine! I'm more focused on seeing my brother again," Castiel admitted. He'd told the Winchesters about his conversation with his older brother on the way home.

"Are you sure, because you can talk to me. I want to be sure you're completely a hundred percent."

"I'm fine, Dead. Don't worry about it. Luci is gonna help plan out the funeral for my mom. Will you come?"

"What kind of question is that, of course I will," Dean answered honestly.

Castiel laughed, grabbed Dean's face and kissed him hard. Dean responded enthusiastically, pulled Castiel on top of him. Castiel wove his fingers through Dean's short hair, pulling lightly.

Castiel pulled the first moan from Dean this time. He laughed at his victory.

"Listen up," Dean warned. "You are really, really attractive.."

"Is that so?" Castiel asked playfully.

Dean nodded and bite into Castiel's neck, a groan ripped from the dark-haired throat. Dean pushed at Castiel's shoulders and rolled onto him. The bed was big enough for them to do so.

Dean shoved his hips into Castiel's. Castiel threw his head back and opened his mouth, a silent scream. Dean smirked and yanked his shirt off, Castiel's hands mapping out the newly exposed skin.

There was pounding on the wall, hard enough to rattle the few pictures Dean had on his wall. Then Sam's voice, muffled by the wall, "Seriously guys? There is someone trying to sleep, y'know!"

"Really, I was too busy to notice!" Dean yelled back. Castiel surprised him by attaching his lips to Dean's left nipple, startling a loud moan out of him.

"You son of a-" Castiel cut him off by pulling him back down and slamming their lips back together.

They heard Sam turning on some music in his room and cranking the speakers. They both laughed, Sam would learn to cope with it hopefully. Dean was just glad John wasn't home.

 **~[[SPN]]~**

Sam had to wake them up, they slept through their alarm. Sam had opened the door slowly, scared to look inside. He nearly screamed at the sight he found.

"Aww, c'mon guys!" He sighed. He walked over, with closed eyes, and smacked his older brother awake.

"What?" Dean asked, rolling out of bed. Fully realizing he was standing naked in front of his brother.

"Good bye!" Sam yelled and ran out. "I have to scrub my eyes now!" Dean heard him yell. Castiel woke up and yawned.

"Was that Sam?" he asked.

"Yeah, you need a shower?" Dean asked, grabbing clothes for them both.

Castiel smirked, "Yeah, I'm a little sticky."

"Let's go, then." They got underwear on at least to travel from the bedroom to the bathroom so Sam wouldn't yell again.

They showered and got ready. They were all on time to school, the car ride was quiet. Sam refused to talk to either of them, Dean found the entire thing funny.

They went through the day, with minimal issue. Charlie noticed the matching hickeys on their necks at lunch. She flipped out. Castiel's face heated up with embarrassment, Dean couldn't help but smirk proudly.

Castiel was becoming more and more comfortable around these people, he was able to call them friends. Dean was proud of him.

Castiel got a little jittery as the day came closer to the end. He hadn't eaten breakfast, but he did almost finish his lunch. So Dean knew it wasn't hunger that was affecting him. It was seeing his brother in less than a handful of hours.

"I'm nervous,"Castiel admitted, staring at the foreign car in the driveway. Castiel and Lucifer had agreed to meet at their parents' house. They had already taken Sam home.

"You have a reason to be. You ready?"

"No."

 **Castiel's POV**

Castiel so wasn't ready. He took a few deep breaths on his way up to the door. Dean's hand on his back helped calm him. If Lucifer wasn't able to control his temper, he wasn't sure if Dean could stop him. Castiel tried not to think about it.

Lucifer was sitting at the kitchen when they walked in. He stood up when he heard the front door open.

"Hey, Cassie."

"Hi, Luci," Castiel said back. A moment passed and he remembered Dean behind him. "And this is.. Uhh, Dean Winchester."

Dean nodded and stood next to Castiel, not too close but close enough for the smaller boy to feel his heat. The reminder that he was here.

"Hello, Dean. I assume you know who I am," Castiel's heart seemed to skip a beat at Lucifer's easy smile. He really has missed his older brother.

"Yeah, Castiel has told me about you," Dean's voice didn't sound angry.

"I swear, I've changed. I-I'm not… that person anymore. I want you to trust me, Cassie."

"I'm not going to lie to you. I don't trust you, but I don't _not_ trust you either." Castiel said, scratching at his head. It was one of his nervous tics.

"Fair enough. Just let me show you, you can trust me." Lucifer looked sincere. Castiel noticed some papers on the table that he must have been looking at before they'd walked in.

"What are those?" Castiel asked, gesturing to the table.

"It's some of the files and stuff that we need to get things going for mom's funeral." Castiel walked over and Lucifer showed him what everything was. Dean walked over and sat down, they asked him a question or two, but mainly focussed on each other.

Castiel had been reaching to grab a different paper, and accidently elbowed his brother. For a second he froze, and then Lucifer elbowed him back. And then laughed.

And then began the war of the elbows, every once in awhile they'd elbow the other and it turned into a playful thing. Castiel use to play like this with both of his brothers, he missed this too. A few other things came back as well, they teased each other - like the Winchester brother's often did - and moved in sync, only like siblings could.

Castiel couldn't help but keep the smile from his face. Lucifer was telling the truth, they were together for hours and not once did his temper flare, they also avoided tricky topics of conversation.

"I think that's it," Lucifer said as he hung up the phone. That was the last call that had to made. Lucifer had managed all of the calls, Castiel was sort of afraid of talking on the phone.

"Good," Dean said. Castiel nodded.

"You guys hungry? I can take us somewhere to eat.."

"Sure," Castiel said. Dean shot him a look and they agreed to drive separately.

Castiel began to explain where the best restaurants were, but his brother interrupted him, "Remember, I did live here. I don't think the town has changed that much." All three of them laughed.

They went out to eat, a simple diner in town, and talked and laughed with each other at a corner table. It was there that Castiel watched as Lucifer put two and two together. He wasn't sure if it was how close they sat, or if the hickeys they tried to cover up showed, or if they just had a vibe.

But when Dean stood up to throw out their trash, he unintentionally dragged his hand across Castiel's back. Castiel noticed Lucifer's eyes follow his hand, he waited until Dean sat back down before he asked, "Are you guys like… together?"

"Uhh…" They both looked at each other and Castiel shrugged.

"Yeah," Dean said, and looked away.

A moment of silence before a smile broke out on Lucifer's face. "Congrats guys, for how long?"

This reaction surprised both of them, it took them a moment to answer him. And Dean said, "For almost two months now.." he couldn't help but smile at Castiel.

"Okay, well. I was gonna give the I'm-the-big-brother-and-you-better-not-hurt-him speech, but you're a good kid." They laughed.

Dean realized it was getting late, reminded Castiel that Sam was still waiting at home. Dean went to get his younger brother food and Lucifer turned to Castiel.

"You don't live with Dad?"

Castiel shook his head. "No, I just prefer to live with Dean. Their dad is rarely there, so it's just him and his younger brother."

"No adults?"

"Just so you know, I can't get pregnant, so you don't have to worry-"

"Dude! That's not what I was talking about. Oh no, my head hurts. Why would you say that to me?" Lucifer whined.

"Say what?" Dean asked as he walked back over, a bag in his hand. Castiel could only laugh.

"My brother's a jerk." Lucifer said.

"And mine's a bitch, let's go." Lucifer looked up confused, Castiel told him it was a thing that the two Winchester brothers do. Lucifer nodded and followed them out.

The two Novak brother's said their goodbyes, Lucifer telling Castiel that he'll be in one of the motels. They hugged and Lucifer said, "Let's not make mom's funeral be the next time we see each other."

"Deal," Castiel confirmed.

Castiel walked back to dean who was waiting in the Impala already. They watched as Lucifer drove off before Dean started up the car.

"Thank you, for today," Castiel said.

"What?"

"You didn't have to come with me. And you did, so thank you." Castiel looked out the window. Dean pulled him close.

"How much will it take," Dean whispered. "To convince you that I am not going anywhere."

"Really?"

"Really." Dean kissed Castiel gently.

* * *

 **I love big brother Luci! He's so accepting, isn't he?**


	20. Chapter 20

**I like this chapter. :-)**

* * *

 **Dean /**

They hung out before their mother's funeral. Dean made sure they did. He knew Castiel loved hanging out with his older brother, the only part of his past that is still good. Dean still went with them, and Lucifer didn't question it or try to get rid of Dean, he was understanding.

He was there when Lucifer promised to see Castiel tomorrow - at the funeral. They were at Castiel's house. Dean still wasn't sure what had happened there, Castiel never wrote down everything that happened, but he knew those boys had terrible memories in the house. But there was also good memories, so they opted to hang out there.

"Will you be there, tomorrow I mean." Castiel was nervous again, as he asked his brother.

"Yeah, I mean, I haven't seen her in a while. But I owe her that, my only concern is whether dad was going to be there or not."

Dean was with Castiel when he'd called his father to tell him about his wife. Be had to leave a message on his cellphone and nobody has heard of him since. Castiel worried about him, but tried to hide it. Knowing from experience, he could read the signs.

Having an absent father sucks.

"Yeah, I did leave him the message." Castiel had cried after he handed the phone back to Dean. Dean held him close and let him.

"Let's hope he's there." Dean could detect something in his voice, it wasn't angry, more like disappointment.

Now, Dean, Castiel, and Sam were dressed in their best suits. Castiel was wearing Dean's old one, and Dean had snagged John's older suit. Dean had outgrown his own.

"Ready?" Dean asked, Sam was already by the door. They stood in his bedroom.

"Not really." Castiel sat at the edge of Dean's bed, playing with the hem of his jacket. Dean sat next to his and grabbed his hand, they were cold. Dean leaned in and kissed Castiel's cheek.

"We have to go," Dean mumbled after a while. They stood up and headed to the church.

Castiel's mother had been very religious. His name was Castiel, for God's sake! They entered the front of the church and Charlie was standing there, waiting for them. They had only told a few of the people that knew his mom, although there was a lot more people here.

"Castiel, I am so sorry. Are you okay?" Charlie wrapped her arms around his waist, and he stiffened. Dean squeezed his hand.

"I'm fine, thank you." She stepped back.

Something similar happened every person they ran into, which was everyone. They would say how sorry they were - Dean could point out half of the people there that didn't actually mean it - and either hug Castiel or shake his hand. Dean never let go of Castiel's left, though. Some of the people that gave Castiel's their condolences looked at their joined hands with looks of disgust, Dean tried to ignore them.

One person they did not see before the ceremony started was Lucifer. Dean noticed Castiel's head turning from side to side, looking for him as they sat down. The priest gathered everyone together, and it started.

And still no Lucifer.

Dean could see the pain on Castiel's face. Only when they bowed their heads to pray for the deceased did Castiel break down. His first sob was quiet, the second one shook his entire frame.

Dean opened his eyes and wrapped both arms around his shoulders, pulling the other boy into him. Dean whispered that it'd be okay in his ear, his hands rubbing at his arms.

Dean's heart broke at the sight of Castiel, but there was nothing Dean could do but try and comfort him. Castiel grabbed Dean's arm, and held on tightly. He let his head fall back onto Dean's shoulder.

Afterwards, when the casket was leaving to head to the cemetery, and everyone started to leave with it, Castiel excused himself to go to the bathroom. Castiel disappeared and Dean found Charlie and Kevin.

"Is he okay?" Kevin asked.

Dean rubbed his eyes, he felt tired. "Yeah, he'll be alright. He just needs time I think."

"And you," Charlie added. "I can tell you help him a lot."

Dean nodded and excused himself to the bathroom. He did actually have to go, and he wanted to get back to Castiel. He didn't feel comfortable with leaving that boy on his own for too long. Dean climbed the stairs to the second floor, unfortunately that's where the bathrooms were.

Castiel wasn't there.

Dean didn't pass him on the way up, and he wasn't in there. Confused, Dean stepped back into the hallway and called out his name. No answer.

 **Castiel /**

Castiel didn't like lying to Dean, but this was something he had to do alone.

The church wasn't far from his house, so he jogged there. And that's where he found Lucifer. He was sitting behind the wheel of his car. Castiel stopped and watched him for a moment.

Anger flooded his veins. Pure white-hot anger, he wanted to do something stupid, like punch one of the car's windows. What would he miss the funeral, after he promised Castiel he would be there. He fucking promised. And you don't break a promise, not ever.

"What the hell man!?" Castiel pounded on the driver side window, tear stains were still on his cheeks.

Lucifer rolled the window down, he didn't look at his younger brother. He only said, "Get in."

Castiel didn't hesitate, he trusted Lucifer now.

"Why were you there?" Castiel asked once the door was close.

Lucifer let out a shaky breath, and Castiel saw that he'd been crying. Castiel noticed that he was also dressed up, ready to go to the funeral.

"I-I just c-couldn't. Not after what she did."

"What do you mean?" Castiel was confused. Was he talking about the drugs? Ignoring him? Or something completely different.

"She never told you," for the first time since the night, Lucifer looked scared.

"Told me what?"

Lucifer opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Tears started falling from his eyes again. Castiel was going to ask him what he was talking about, but Lucifer said, "She never wanted you, Cassie."

Castiel looked at him with utter confusion, he felt it on his own face.

"She always wanted a little girl, and when you turned out to be you. She was upset, you never realized it because you were so small. But when you were younger, she'd just be _mean_ to you. And she always treated Gabriel and I better." His voice caught on Gabriel's name.

"I-I don't believe you," Castiel whimpered. He considered leaving the car.

"It's true!" Lucifer yelled. "I wouldn't lie to you about this. Not this, I swear." Castiel saw it in his eyes, he was telling the truth.

Castiel broke, "Why?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know. But that's what set me off that night…" Castiel's head snapped up. His full attention on his older brother now.

"Gabriel had always showered in it. Mom's favoritism towards him, and he didn't care whether or not she hurt you. And I _hated_ him for that. We were snooping around - I know we shouldn't have been, but we were - and we found were mom had hidden the presents. I was looking to see how many we _each_ got, and-and you didn't have _any._

"Not a single one, and it was six days until Christmas. I pointed this out to Gabriel and he fucking laughed. He laughed and joked about you being on the naughty list.. I looked at him and I said 'Does it not bother you, how she treats him?' And he said that it didn't. He said 'it doesn't matter, does it? As long as she doesn't pull that shit on me.' And I lost it Castiel. I didn't know what happened to me, it was like I was possessed or something! I'm still sorry. I was just so angry. I still am! I am still so angry that he thought that way. I was only sticking up for you.

"And when dad kicked me out… I couldn't protect you anymore, I didn't know how she treated you. And dad wasn't much of a help. I was so worried about you, you have no idea. And when I heard your voice on the phone…"

"I'm sorry," Castiel whispered.

Lucifer was about to asked what he meant, but Castiel interrupted him. "I mean for not contacting you sooner. I didn't realize she treated me like that before. I thought it was just her grieving."

He watched as Lucifer's hands wrapped around the steering wheel and squeezed. Castiel had a sudden flash of fear, he thought about leaving again. But then Lucifer relaxed and Castiel felt safe again.

"Don't apologize," Lucifer said after a while. "You did nothing wrong. It was all them."

* * *

 **Now you know Lucifer's story!**


	21. Chapter 21

***covers mouth with both hands so I don't spoil the chapter***

* * *

 **Dean /**

Dean found Castiel back at his house, nearly an hour after the funeral. They'd missed the burial. He had a numb expression on his face when Dean and Sam pulled up

Dean had been prepared to call Charlie and the rest of their friends and start a huge search, but he decided they'd check back home first. Dean was right. Because he didn't have a key, they found Castiel on the front step.

"Cas, buddy, what the hell happened? Where did you go?" Dean asked as he ran up to the front steps. The car was already parked and locked up.

"I'm sorry," he told Dean in a monotoned voice.

Dean unlocked the door with arms weak with relief. He was really glad that Castiel was okay, he lead them into the house and Sam disappeared into his room. It has been a long day for him, the last funeral he'd been too was their mom, Mary, who died when he was six years old. Today probably dragged up some old memories that he'd been trying to keep down. God knows the same thing was happening to Dean.

"Dean, I didn't mean to scare you." Castiel said.

Dean walked up to Castiel and grabbed his hands, tugging him closer. Their foreheads rested on each other's. Dean smiled, "I'm just glad you are okay."

Castiel kissed Dean this time, and kissed him again and again, but was forced to pull back because of the need for oxygen. They smiled and looked into each other's eyes.

"So I realized something a long time ago…" Dean started. He was confident he could get the words out, this time. This time he would tell Castiel exactly how he felt.

"And what's that?"

"That… You are amazing. You are so wonderful and have brought so much adventure into my life and I don't know how it happened but somewhere, and somehow I fell in love with you."

Castiel quit breathing. Dean was worried for a second, before a gasp sounded from his mouth. A long moment of silence as Castiel thought over what Dean had said.

And then Castiel's mouth was suddenly on him, his body being slammed against the wall behind him. Dean's hands grabbed at Castiel's back and hips, pulling, tugging, _needing_ him closer.

"Oh God, I love you so much," Castiel said in between kisses.

Dean made a noise in the back of his throat, pulling Castiel's mouth to his once more. They kissed and kissed until Dean was breathless in the best way.

"I love you," Dean felt drunk on those words. He wanted to say it over and over again.

But after that, barely any words were muttered. Dean followed Castiel into the bedroom, covering his face in kisses, his hands all over the other boy's body. Dean would probably have to deal with Sam in the morning, but that didn't matter right now. All that mattered was that Castiel was here in his arms, and he loved him.

Castiel Novak actually fucking loved him. After everything they've been through, it was definitely worth hearing every time Castiel mutter or moaned those three words.

 **~[[SPN]]~**

Dean nearly had a heart attack when he woke up. Sam was in his face, shaking his shoulders. This time, though, they'd put on clothes afterwards. But Sam's urgent whispering was startling his muddle head into full consciousness.

"What?"

" _Dad's here!_ He's in the bathroom right now, but you need to get fully dressed and up now!"

Castiel rolled over and tucked himself farther into Dean's arm, but reluctantly he shook the dark-haired boy awake. They got dressed hurriedly, checking to make sure the other had his shirt on right and patted each other's hair down.

"Hey dad!" Dean cheered when they came barreling out of the bedroom.

"Castiel, you spent another night?" John raised his eyebrows.

"Yes, my mom's funeral was yesterday and I wanted-"

"You don't have to explain why, I'm okay with it. Are you okay? About your mom I mean." John surprised Dean by saying this. Did he really care or was he just saying that because he felt he needed to?

"Thank you. I'll be fine," Castiel answered.

"How long are you going to be here, Dad?" Sam asked.

"I'm in between jobs right now, so I wondered if you boys wanted to take a trip to Bobby's?" John asked, looking at Sam and Dean.

Dean wanted to see Bobby, it's been a few years, actually. But could he leave behind Castiel? He knew John probably wouldn't let him come.

"Hey Cas, could you go get my phone from my room. I'm not sure where I put it." Dean said, nodding at his bedroom door. Castiel smiled and ran there, happy to get out of John's gaze.

"Hey dad," Dean said, getting his attention. "Do you think Castiel could come with us?"

"No, I'm not sure his father would agree with it, it is across country you know, and I don't think we have enough money for food and stuff to get there." John didn't have to supply an answer, Dean knew any argument would be useless.

"Okay, when are we leaving?" Sam asked.

"Tonight, so get packed. Not sure how long we're going to be gone. Probably for the weekend, but be prepared to miss a few days of school."

Both boys nodded and disappeared into their respective rooms.

"I'm sorry, Dean, I couldn't find your phone-"

"I have it." Dean pulled the device for his pocket where he slid it in when he put his pants on this morning.

"What? Then why-"

"Because I needed to ask my dad if you could go with us. He said no, I'm sorry." Dean leaned in and kissed him gently on the cheek.

"It's okay-"

"It's not, I wish you could go. Or that I didn't have to."

"Go, you've talked about Bobby enough for me to know that you enjoy seeing him." Castiel said.

"He's like my second father, it has been a while since I've seen him." Dean admitted, smiling as Castiel slipped his fingers underneath Dean's t-shirt. Dean knew he wasn't trying to start anything, Castiel just liked touching his skin.

"So go see him, I can stay back at my house. Lucifer goes home tomorrow so I'll only be alone for, like, a day."

"Mmhhmm…" Dean hummed at the feeling of Castiel's fingertips against his ribs.

"I love you," Castiel said, focusing on Dean's chest. He was still nervous when it comes to saying that, but he did mean it.

Dean gently grabbed his chin and forced his eyes up, "I love you, too."

They kissed and wrapped each other in their arms. And then Dean said that they should go, be by themselves without the fear of his dad or anyone else finding them.

They decided to just park the car in some abandon building's parking lot and have a make out session. The impala's front seat was big enough to hold Dean on his back with Castiel laying on top of him in between his legs.

"Ever had car sex?" Dean asked, Castiel's face heated up.

"Before you, I'd never had sex. So what do you think?" Castiel responded sarcastically.

Dean laughed and started kissing Castiel's neck again. But they didn't get very far, Castiel pulled back and looked Dean in the eye. "You are going, right?"

"Yes."

"And you are not going to worry about me. I'll be fine."

"Yes."

"I know you, you look like you are prepared to worry a bunch." Castiel deadpanned. Dean couldn't help but laugh.

"I promise not to worry, as long as you promise not to do anything stupid." Dean looked at him seriously.

Castiel kisses him, "I promise-" kiss, "-not to do anything-" kiss, "stupid while you-" kiss, "-are away."

Dean grinned at him. "Good."

* * *

 **THEY FINALLY CONFESSED THEIR FEELINGS!**


	22. Chapter 22

**#ANGST #ANGST #ANGST YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

* * *

 **Castiel /**

Castiel watched Lucifer pull out of the driveway, disappearing from his sight. It was late, Castiel thought it might have been a good idea to go to bed. But his bed felt too big and too cold without Dean next to him. He dealt with this last night and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to go to sleep.

So he decided to clean the house.

He started with the kitchen, that room being the dirtiest. He turned on some low music. He tried to keep his mind on his tasks, washing the dishes, cleaning the counters and floors, and dusting the shelves.

And then there was the fridge. He wasn't sure when or who was the last person to even open it. He plugged his nose and watched as the door slowly swung open. Oh boy, he mentally groaned. This will be fun…

After the kitchen he started on the cramp living room. He straighten up, putting away the dirty clothes, folding the clean ones, and vacuuming. Again, he paused and sat on the now cleaned couch and took a deep breath. He still dreaded sleep, might as well keep going.

He saved his parents' bedroom for last. Because his mother's stuff would be there, and he knew he had to get rid of it.

He had to donate her clothes, try and sell her valuable possessions, throwing out the garbage. There was a reason he'd procrastinated this long. But enough was enough.

There were tears, of course there was. He'd found an old photo album crammed up under the dresser. Scared, he opened it. And found old, torn-at-the-edges pictures of Gabriel, Lucifer, his mom, and his dad. Only one or two of him - because someone was holding him, or he happened to be in the background.

Good, Castiel didn't want his face to poison the family photo album.

In truth, it hurt like hell. And he wished that he had been what his mother wanted, but this was the cards he were dealt and he had to deal with it. Even if he thought it was utter bullshit.

He cleaned through everything, every corner and crevice. He didn't want to have to come back to this later. He just wanted to cry and grief over his dead mother and throw out her stuff all in one night.

And then he found her old diary.

His heart leapt in his throat. Did she write down everything like he does?

Castiel grabbed the book where he'd found it in a box at the bottom of a pile of clothes. He sat right there on the floor and opened it to the first page.

 _June 18, 1998_

 _I can feel her inside of me. The doctor says it's going to be a little girl, everything I've ever wanted. A little girl for her older brothers to protect and guard her. I can't wait until she arrives, won't be for quite a while, but I'll wait. It'll be worth it._

It was like a stab to Castiel's stomach. His mother was really expecting a baby girl, he tried to imagine her surprised when they saw him for the first time. Crying and screaming, and a boy.

Castiel swallowed down his pain and flipped to the next entry.

 _January 14, 1999_

 _I'm so big I can write this while resting the notebook on my pregnant belly. I want my little girl to be smart, and gentle. So I've been listening to more Mozart and classical music. Hopefull it will help, I'm almost ready for my little girl. We almost have the nursery ready._

Castiel didn't react much, he just flipped the page as if it were a rehearsed action.

 _February 3, 1999_

 _It's a fucking boy. What did I do to lose my little girl?_

That's all that's written for months. His mother was too upset to even write down what she was feeling. Why was he such a disappointment to everyone?

 _May 22, 1999_

 _Maybe having three boys won't be so bad? It's the only thing I could think as he had to tear down all of the pink wallpaper, and burn the princess stuffed animals in trade for more blue. It made me want to puke._

Castiel continued to read, he kept clenching and unclenching his jaw. More and more articles about how she was so fed up with Castiel. How she wanted to have two older brothers and little girl not him.

Lucifer was right. His mother was a selfish cunt. Castiel knows it was wrong of him to think poorly of the deceased, but it was true.

How many more people does he have to disappoint before the world is fed up with him? Or was it already, did the universe not want him anymore. Was this a sign? Castiel almost laughed at that thought.

He grabbed the notebook in an angry fist, and threw it at a picture of his mother on the wall. He bit down on his fist and screamed.

"Oh, my God!" he yelled.

He was so stupid. Everyone, his entire life had always secretly not wanted him. Why was now any different? How was Dean any different? A groan of pain was ripped from his throat. His knees weakened and gave out beneath him, his fist hit the ground repeatedly.

How did he know Dean actually loved him? It could be all a huge fake, he could be acting, counting the days until he just ended his life.

Just like his mother had. Taken the cowardly way out.

But oh God, the pain was too strong. It was breaking him, and he was about to shatter and cut up everyone around him. He couldn't do it anymore.

He went to his own room, gathered his notebook and a pencil. He opened to a new page, and stared at it. He wanted to write what's been happening - it's been a few days since he'd last written anything - but he couldn't form the words.

 _I can't do this anymore._ A gross sob was ripped from Castiel's throat as he wrapped his arms around himself, pencil and notebook falling from his lap.

He feels like he's suffocating, it's getting harder and harder to breath when he's alone. When he's alone, he has time to think, and he's been alone for hours. Fingernails scratch up and down his arms, the sharp, physical pain a reminder of what's real.

Castiel jumps up from his bed and runs for the bathroom. In there, under the sink is a small box, barely the size of a matchbox car. Inside is a few razors, he grabs one and presses it to his skin.

His eyes flash to the mirror and so many things flash through his eyes. Pain, betrayal, hurt, and exhaustion, all swimming in the blue eyes that stare back at him. His breath leaves him in a burst as he's hit with the realization of what he's about to do.

HIs cheeks look sunken in, his sides skinnier. His chest rose and fell with every gasping breath. His reflection scared him, and he was reminded of the younger, healthier version of himself. The version of himself would have ran and hide at the thought of doing this.

That's what pain does to people.

He hasn't cut since he met Dean. He hasn't even _thought_ about it since then.

Dean. He has put him through so much of his life, it wasn't fair. He knew that, too. He was probably draining the life from Dean, sapping away his soul right in front of him.

And it hurts Castiel, too. Hurts so fucking much. The thought of him being a bother to anyone, let alone the person he cares about the most. Just knowing that there will be a time when Dean won't want to be around Castiel because he's so toxic.

Then something behind him caught his eye in the mirror. It was his mother's "special" cabinet. It's where she kept her pills, bottle after bottle of pills, painkillers, cold medicine, allergy medicine, anything she can get on.

The last time she was in it, she left the cupboard open a little, just enough for him to see a sliver of a bottle. Without hesitation he drops the razor in the bathroom sink and turns towards the cabinet. Wrenching open the small wooden doors, he grabs a handful of bottles and carries them from the bathroom to the kitchen counter.

Carefully, as if it actually mattered, he pours the pills into a cereal bowl, leaving one of the pills in each bottle. Once he was finished, he stared at the colorful little pills in the bowl and thought to himself, was he really going to do this?

 _Yes_ , he reached in with his hand and shoveled some in his mouth. His mouth started to burn before he could get them all down to his stomach. He swallowed a couple of times and turned on the sink behind him. He gulped down a few mouthfuls and then returned to the bowl and shoveled down another handful, pills spilling over his lips and onto the floor. _Hold._

He stumbled over to the kitchen table, with every intent of sitting down, but he tripped over nothing and fell to the ground. He curled in a ball and hugged himself, resting his head on his arm. _Hold on._

There was a warmth beginning in his stomach. He felt like Dean was behind him, spooning him and hugging him close. Dean's arms wrapped around his waist and his lips on the back of his neck.

 _Hold on to me._

Dean leaned over and kissed the side of his neck, butterflies fluttered in his chest as he felt Dean's warmth spread through him. ' _Cause I'm a little unsteady._

He pressed back into the heat, he heard Dean start to hum. At first it was just a hum, but it soon turned into a tune, and then a song. Their song. _A little unsteady._

Castiel rolled over and buried his nose in the imaginary warmth. Castiel knew that Dean wasn't actually there, he was off with his brother, enjoying himself. But right now, Castiel really needed to be held.

He needed somebody to hold him and steady him. The edges of his vision were beginning to blur. The warmth was everywhere now, he smiled. He wished he could hold onto this moment forever. It was like the time him and Dean were cuddling in his bedroom. They had had the night to themselves, they put their time to good use.

"I love you," Dean murmured into Castiel's hair.

Castiel giggled and mumbled it back, "I love you, too." Dean hugged him close, his entire body pressed against the other boy. There was a moment of silence before Castiel said, "Please just hold onto me."

A few tears dripped from his eyes at the memory. Castiel depended on Dean too much, he was still afraid of making Dean buckle. Slowly, the warmth turned into heat, heat turned into fire. Castiel was on fire, or it felt like it at least.

He sat up and attempted to take off his shirt, but not able to get the front buttons undone. He soon abandon the effort and pulled himself up to the sink to splash water on himself. It wasn't helping.

His stomach flipped and bile came rushing up from his throat, spilling into the sink. It was a nasty pinkish color, he fell backwards and shuddered. His head was swimming he could barely think straight. He knew he was close to dying, so close to not suffering anymore.

Then he thought of Dean again, he didn't even tell him goodbye. How could he be anymore horrible? Shakily, he saw his phone and unlocked it. He could barely see, but found Dean's picture. He heard the phone ring and dropped it when another wave of stomach bile left his mouth, he didn't even have time to sit up.

"Hey," Castiel's breath caught at the sound of his voice, or maybe it was the bile caught in his throat.

"Thank you."

"Cas? Are you okay? Where are you?" Dean's voice became panicked, the sound of his voice must have set him off.

Castiel opened his mouth to answer, but the words wouldn't form, his mind was even more muddled. He wasn't sure if he said it loud enough for Dean to hear it, or if he even said it, but in his mind's eye, Dean got the message.

"Thank you, for holding onto me."

Dean's voice was the last thing Castiel heard before his vision and hearing left him, and soon his conscious thought along with it. He knew Dean heard him, he had gotten his message across. Castiel died with a smile on his lips.

* * *

 **Do you see why I wanted you to remember there song? And I'm sorry for any Twist and Shout readers...**


	23. Chapter 23

**I had difficulty trying to write this chapter.**

* * *

 **Dean /**

"Why would you do this, Castiel?" Dean muttered.

No tears. No sobs. Not yet, at least.

Dean stood by the tree in the abandoned school yard. The tree they first had a meaningful moment together. Dean's hands went to the bark of the tree. He felt its rough and bumpy edges.

He saw himself with Castiel in his arms. He'd been crying when they first sat on this very ground. And within minutes Dean made a smile crack on his face, without really knowing what the boy had gone through.

Dean had read what he felt, sure, but he still didn't know. He thought he'd been okay. Something must have happened. Something must have changed or snapped in Castiel. Dean had begun to wonder when it would happen. And oh, how much he wished he could go back and not go to Bobby's that weekend.

Bobby could have waited, but Castiel. No, Castiel was hurting and Dean left him.

Dean tried to swallow the lump forming in his throat. He breathed in deeply a few times, and wiped his sweaty palms down the front of his dress pants. He was wearing a full on suit, and he didn't care if he got it dirty. He just didn't care.

His eyes swept the abandoned school yard once more. He sat down, resting against the tree, and tried to imagined the heat of the boy on him again, but Castiel was gone.

"Who gave you the right to do this to me?" Dean whispered, his voice breaking. His first tear fell from his eye.

The school was abandoned because school had been cancelled. For Castiel's funeral. That was also the reason for him being so dressed up. He was suppose to be there, giving a speech.

But how could he?

How could Dean stand up in front of nearly the entire town full of people who barely knew him or barely cared. He wouldn't be able to say the right things - knowing that they probably didn't even know what he looked like outside of the few pictures Dean had of him.

Dean felt like he couldn't breathe. He threw his head in his hands and screamed into his left palm. He stood up suddenly and yelled at the sky.

"You stupid, sorry, son of a bitch! Why would you do this to me, Castiel? Do you know how much this hurts me? Do you have any fucking idea? Did you ever stop to think about it for a minute!?" Dean's throat burned mercilessly.

"C'mon man! Why didn't you just talk to me? Why- I can't-" Dean choked on a sob and collapse to his knees. He pounded the ground with his fist repeatedly.

"I don't think I can do this anymore, man…" Dean whispered helplessly.

He sobbed for a moment, before his anger returned. "But you know what, you heartless bastard! Some of us can't just 'check-out' like you did! Some of us are tied here and can't just leave!"

Dean didn't mean any insult he said toward Castiel. He was beyond sad, he was angry and he felt left behind. Exactly how Castiel promised he'd never make him feel. Dean didn't understand why Castiel did what he did, he didn't want to know in fear that it was his own fault.

"You promised me! You know that, you dick! You promised me you would never leave me!" Dean grabbed at the ground, the pain was hitting him hard now. He needed Castiel here, but he wasn't.

"You promised me, man." He repeated. "You told me that you would never leave me, and I loved you man. I still love you! Do you hear me?" Dean's voice rose even more. His body spasmed for a moment, his pain paralyzing him.

What did Dean do wrong that made Castiel not want to live anymore?

Just thinking it hurt felt like he was getting stabbed. Another sob tore at his sore throat. Dean fell to the ground, his face in the dirt. He felt as if he didn't have the strength to pull himself up. He didn't want to fight anymore, what's the point?

"Dean!?" Somebody behind him shouted.

And then he was reminded why he couldn't just "check-out."

Sam came running up the slight hill and fell to his knees besides his older brother. Dean tried to turn away, to shield his younger brother from his own grief-stricken eyes, but Sam pulled Dean into himself.

"Sammy," Dean moaned.

"Shh, it's okay. You are going to get past this Dean. I know you are. Shh.." Sam said as another fit of sobs wracked the older boy's body. "You are strong enough, Dean."

"No, no I'm not. I don't know what I did wrong. Why would-"

"This is _not_ your fault, Dean. Please don't think it is." When Dean looked at his younger brother's face, he had tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Sammy. I'm sorry you have to see me like this-"

"Would you shut the hell up for one minute, please," Sam snapped at him, surprising Dean. "Would you quit worrying about everyone around you and just focus on you. You need to focus on you, and your pain. It's the only way you are going to get past this."

"You're right, Sammy. You're right."

Sam hugged his brother close again. And Dean thought that just maybe, he could get passed this. He could say his goodbyes and move on.

He would never forget Castiel. A person can never forget their first love.

But he needed to move on if he wanted to ever be happy again. Dean sighed as he relaxed into his brother's embrace. Sam's gentle hand rubbing his back felt nice, his eyes began to droop.

There was a pressure on top of his head, Dean looked passed Sam's shoulders. Nobody was there, no one else was with them. He sighed and Sam squeezed him harder - letting his big brother know he was here for him.

Just before his conscious mind was taken from him, Dean could had sworn he heard the distant sound of flapping wings. Dean tried to open his eyes, but he was gone, sleep taking over his body.

He felt warm, like somebody was there with him. Dean no longer felt anything, no pain, no fear. Just comfort.

* * *

 **This is the final chapter, but still an epilogue left.**


	24. Epilogue

He wishes for just one moment that the pain would subside, but it never does. Maybe he could make it end, but this wasn't like the stories, wasn't like Romeo and Juliet. He couldn't follow his Castiel into the dark abyss, because he ultimately had little Sammy to take care of. At first, he had tried to stay strong in front of his little brother, but he ended up breaking down.

On days it was really bad, Sam- old enough to drive now - would force Dean into the car and he would drive. For a little while it would be to nowhere, no destination in mind. The open roads and fresh air would stop the pounding in his chest. But closer to the end of the night, they'd pull up just outside the cemetery, and Dean would go out alone. He'd walk over to the familiar stone and the still disturbed ground.

He would sit down and just stare at the name written on the headstone, _Castiel Novak,_ and then the tears would come. Along with the memories. The memories of them, love, happiness, joy, ecstasy, they were all tainted with the memory of seeing Castiel on his kitchen floor.

Dean had been the one to find him, covered in his own vomit. After Cas had called him, he dropped everything and came over, only to find that horrifying sight. He had broken down, dropped to the floor right there and cried, he just wailed. He didn't step any closer, he was afraid that if he felt how cold he knew Castiel's body would be, he'd forget how he had felt next to him, warm.

What Castiel didn't know was that he had helped Dean just as much as Dean had helped him. They held each other up, no matter what happened, it was always the two of them. Well, it use to be always the two of them.

Dean didn't blame Castiel, with all the shit that kid had gone through. No, he blamed himself for not being there, for not being good enough. He obviously wasn't good enough if Castiel just willing killed himself, right?

After a while, he'd stand up and wipe the dirt off his hands and legs, and then wipe his face. Attempt to put the mask back into place. He'd turn toward the direction of the car, but cast one more glance at the stone and the fake flowers that adorned it. And then he'd have one more final thought, a promise.

 _Meet you on the other side, buddy._


	25. Ao3

Okay, here's the thing... this story got a lot more attention than I thought it would. (I apologize for the ending once more) But this is the only fic I have on fanfiction... I tried keeping this account and my Wattpad account floating and it didn't work. So I am keeping all of my older and new fics on Ao3! Archive of our own!

My name is still Useless_Fanfictions.

I am actually re-editing/re-writing this same fic. Just fixing any spelling/grammar errors and writing some scenes differently. I haven't uploaded any of this one yet, but I will! I do have fics on Ao3 and will keep adding more. So, please, go check it out on there.

I just want to thank you all again for the support and love this fic got. It has been my longest (so far) and I am proud of it! And I want to give a special thanks to all o the people who read this fic a while ago and came back to read this note! You guys are all awesome!


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